home

another year behind us

in a week we will sit and laugh at how we are supposed to say it

20 10, 0 10, 10

personally, i like 20 10

09 has been trying

but i grew through the tears

20 10 will be different

i will be different starting today

but the changes wont manifest themselves until the new year has come

and while you were resolved to let meeh spend it alone

at home

in these empty walls

i have made other plans

i will spend it where i belong

with my family

hearing their laughter, their insults

seeing their smiles and struggles

and going through all of it together

just the way we were meant to

moviesofourlove

some time has passed since i last visited

my thoughts are not all my own

though i have done some cleaning

there is still clutter here and there

im working on all that

but for now i will give you this

there is no sound but the pattering of the rain outside the window

the snow is gone from the trees now

they are cold and alone and as bare as my soul on this night

it never ceases to amaze meeh

how when so much of everything around meeh is changing

nothing really changes at all

every move is predictable

nothing that hasnt been done before

there is no emotion unfelt

we have been down this road

we know just where it will lead

how long it will take to get there

and what will be done once we reach

i have grown so much

and i never thought i would say it

but i have outgrown you - this

at this time of year there will be no picnics

or long strolls through Monet's garden

there will be no stopping to smell the roses

or snapping fotos of the newly discovered love

that has fallen upon the lucky

this is the time of reality

when vulnerabilities are exposed

and we discover if we can truly coexist

we are stripped bare and that bond is tested tried

and if we are lucky in the end

it will prove true

if we are ordinary, it will not

and we will travel that other road

if we will be broken

spring will do it before the first month passes

but for now

this is where we are

naked as the trees outside

with not even the snow to cover our imperfections

and while i love you still

i have never loved myself more

than i do at this very moment

and because of that i leave you where you stand

there will never be another you

my heart will forever whisper your name

and perhaps next winter

when i light the fireplace

the ambers will play the movies of our love

itmustbefall

she said to meeh once things are dying... it must be fall
the leaves are changing colours just before they fall to the ground
they are in their glory then
bright oranges and reds and yellows
who could see it coming

this is the hardest

i think it was always easier because i didnt have to watch it happen
the way i watch the leaves change
snapping fotographs of the beauty just before the fall
i save the images of the leaves
pressing them into journals alongside flower petals

but i stayed at your bedside
i watched you come back to life
i basqued in that glory
just before you fell

but now i cannot breathe
things are dying now
it must be fall
and how i dread you now

isawmeeh

there was a look on a little girls face that was all too familiar

i remember the tears that she cried

and wiped them off of my cheek

there was not much i could do to keep my hands from shaking

so i didnt bother to try

the only difference was i wished it could have been meeh

i remember the days of wanting someone to scold meeh

but there was just meeh alone

in the basement of an old building

with beds all lined up in a row

there was not a familiar voice around

just echos in my mind of things i thought i remembered

and just like that she vanished

but just for the moment

looking at her i saw meeh

myseconddedication

good morning sunshine

i woke up this morning with a different outlook on my days

it has been cold all the way around

my heart has been frigid and my soul empty

the warmth had left my body with your last breath

in my own mind i was dead

and no matter how i searched

there was nothing to keep meeh here nor there

i lost all of my reasons

and in that fell into the deepest hibernation

until this morning

i realized that i have all that i need

this did not have to be the way it ended

i simply had to change the way i looked at things

i used to say that if you cannot change something

change the way you look at it

my whole heart believed it was all about perspective

for some time i complained that i prayed for strength and never recieved it

the truth is my heart was not ready to accept that

i was content in the discontent

i wanted to sit and be weak and mourn

and blame everyone in the world for what i could not myself explain

this life, i am convinced, is not for our understanding

it is for us to do and be the best that we can

we will fall and we will stumble

but that is alright

as long as we take away the lessons we are meant to learn

i told an old friend of mine that he should not worry for the whys of things

i told him that those things didnt matter

as long as he took the lesson to heart

and here i was doing what i always do

giving the good advice

....and taking none of my own

it seemed that those words put him at peace

and on this morning

that is exactly what they do for meeh now

alors..... my second dedication

to the fallen giant... mon ame

for teaching meeh that listening to myself isnt always a bad thing

that the peace others say i bring to them

i can give to myself

thank you for the best days of my life

for reasons far too many to number

to You for keeping your word

when i needed the most

your hand continues to provide

when i was broken

You were there to pick up the pieces

and gave meeh time to move out of my own way so that you could

for giving meeh all that i have asked

even when i didnt realize it

to the earthquake

you split my life in more ways than i thought imaginable

just when i thought i could not be broken anymore

there you were to prove meeh wrong

but you have taught meeh endurance

something that has become the core of who i am

i owe you more than you will know

.......... more than i will ever admit

to my hypnotist

i am still trying to figure it all out

there are times when i think i know exactly who you are

and then the night falls

and i find myself right back where i started

lost and semi immersed in some spell i am sure you have cast on meeh

i am not sure what it is that you give to meeh

but i am well aware of all that you take away

to the mushroom

i am not sure where you came from

but who ever knows where fungus comes from

you are so sweet on my palate

but i am not entirely sure i should have ever tasted you

i can only hope there is no poison

but my instincts tell meeh differently

for now we shall see

there are others

but for now you are pressing heavily on my everything

and to you i give

my second dedication

whatidobest

i said it all then

without saying a word

i told you that i wanted to fall in love with all that you were

and all that you could be to meeh

i told you that i could be all that you needed and more

but you didnt believe meeh

or you were scared

one or the other

whatever it was....

..... you left

you didnt speak a word

not even with your kiss

but somehow i knew exactly when it all happened

i knew that the last time would be just that

i knew that you didnt know how to do it

you never did

that was one of the things i could never and would never understand about you

the fact that you always left

and you taught meeh to walk after you

never saying how i felt or what i meant

my defense mechanism was to just walk away

not to speak a word

not to look too deeply into your eyes

just to walk away

that way there would be no fight to look back on and regret

there would be no last words to wish were different

it would just be us

and that last glance....

you knew how i wanted to feel

and you knew what i wanted to say

so i didnt think i needed to do any of it

i didnt need to care

or wonder....

maybe that is where i went wrong.

i made myself robotic

i caged who i was in exchange for a colder version of who i never wanted to be

and somehow i justified it all

something i never did

... proffer justifications...

but i knew that it was so wrong i needed to cover it up somehow....

someway....

that was my method of choice

now i sit in the late of the night

trying to figure the whys of it all...

unable to reach a conclusion

i do what i learned to do best

walk...

simplyenjoythevisits

its funny the way i can find myself seated at the table

in the same chair of the same kitchen in the same house for days

and still be lost

wondering where i am

and how i got there

funny the way such things work

i thought of you today as i was doing some cleaning

there were memories i had locked in a box in the back of the closet

a pretty big box too... labeled "when the time is right"

i forget about that stupid thing all the time

but when the time is right...

there it is...

just where i need it to be

i dont know what it is like to move on from things

my problem is that i never dealt with them in the first place

to move on from them in the next

but how the world turns...

and i saw the end through

i never do that

now i feel like i am forced to deal with it so that i can move on from it

acknowledging this for meeh is more than that

i would have to recognize plenty other departures

and frankly, i am still not ready for that

its the only part of meeh that can deal with fiction.

its the part of meeh that wishes things were the same as they had always been

its the part of meeh that thinks the reason that we have not spoken is because i have been stupid busy

and have been too selfish to make the timesto pick up the fone and make that call.

i think that as long as i can lie to myself in that, i can be alright

the smile that is plastered to my face can remain

and i dont have to explain one bit of myself to another.

but then again there are times when i feel like you are visiting meeh and its nice

in the cold of the night, and all of the nights are cold without your warmth

i enjoy the visit you pay...

bondingwiththenebulizer

sillie things like this remind meeh of sweeter times

when i'd wipe the condensation from you cheeks

and we'd joke about making it a group thing

you know over tea or something.

in all the pain that surrounded the times

it was better then

because at least i could see and touch your smile

i didnt have to rely on heart breaking memories of it.

they say remember the good times because they will get you through

...i beg to differ...

i have never been in so much pain as i am now.

i mean afterall

why voluntarily stick yourself in a universe of never agains and remember whens

it was better then because "never again" never crossed my mind

and the things i endure now would have never even entered into my imagination.

my eyes well up with tears with each inhalation

reminding meeh of the faces we made because the fumes had such a taste

there was a time when i wouldn't have wished that taste on anyone

but now i wish it on us

because at least then i could touch your hand and remind you that though they are the longest twelve minutes of our lives

they are yet twelve minutes alone

where are you now

i would give anything to touch your face and see you just one more time

but the last time was the hardest thing i have ever had to do

i lied when i said you can take my yesterday

...i need them...

as painful as they may be

only death can compare to being without you

je veux garder mes souvenirs parce que tu ne serais jamais a mere shadow of a thought

....or a remnant of what used to be

i dont say i love you

because you should already know

but perhaps i should have said it far more after

perhaps then you would have stayed a little while longer

to feel just a little more

and to fall a little bit harder

my life stopped for you

and stops again without you

not so sure what it is all for

but i miss you

i can say that much

i need you...

but i can learn strength

im cold without you...

but i can find some semblance of warmth

but i will never learn to breathe again

my soul rests with you

may they both rest in peace

yesterday

there is a song called yesterday after a ms lewis

on this day it brings meeh to a place i never thought i would be

a place i never wanted to revisit...

but here i am.......

i do not believe in regrets

all of life's experiences make you who you are today

but on this day i am not proud of the woman i see looking back at meeh through the mirror.

she is not strong nor is she sure

but she hears those words over and over again

waling on how they cannot take away our yesterdays

but they are gone from meeh now

so what...

perhaps we spent so much time lying to ourselves

thinking that what we had was so wonderful that the memories will live forever

but they are so painful that no one wants to think on them

they proffer a slow and painful death

and only the masochistic endure it for fun.

i was strong enough for it once.

but since yesterday.... that strength is gone from meeh

so yes, they can take tomorrow and the plans we made

and they can take the music that we'll never play

all the broken dreams take everything

they can take them away....

but indeed, they can take our yesterday

because only then will the rivers that flow from my ducts cease

and only then will the breath return to my body

i want to become whole again

so leave meeh yesterday

take the kisses we shared

and take the slow gentle caresses

take away from meeh the memories of your fingers tracing my body

take that yesterday from meeh

i dont want to know you

but because of what we've shared

my life is dead without you

take my yesterdays

take the future that we will never know

and take from the meeh places that we will never go

i only want my yesterdays to leave meeh

because loving you and losing you

has only made meeh weak

mygifttoyour&r

as you pulled off i wanted to utter goodbye

but my lungs find themselves dependant on you

and the only words i could get out were

...come back...

kiss meeh one more time before i die

to feel your touch just once more

id pull down the stars

and put them in a jar

so when those times find you where the night has escaped you

the stars will be within your reach

and when the skies are dark

and the clouds are plenty

they may yet shine through

and illuminate your nights

inebriatedramblings

perhaps i did have one too many bottles of Riesling that night

but it soothed my nerves

and my soul was no longer shaking

i saw clearer than i had since that first day

and my thoughts were just as clairvoyant

this is one of those times when i could say all i had tucked away in the back of my mind

and i didnt have to worry about the consequences until the moon clocks out

but i dont mind

i wont use the sillie girl excuse that i had no idea what i was doing

i dont believe inebriation causes a temporary disarmament of inhibitions

rather a surge in heart and courage

to do say and be the real you

i know exactly what i am doing

i am the real meeh all the time

but there is something that weakens meeh

matters of the heart

that night i would put all of my fears inside of that glass

and thin them out with the clearest Riesling I had

i would swirl them about and sip them slowly

and the closer i get to the bottom of the glass

the bolder i will grow

and if the first glass proves not enough

there was more

with two bottles down and bearing down on the third

i would begin

perhaps saying the first thing that comes to mind all the time is a defense mechanism

perhaps if i say it all i will make myself less vulnerable

but my heart is different

i dont have the best of luck when it comes to her

she has been battered and broken and number of times

i made up in my mind that after the last stint

i was done

i wanted her to heal and then focus on repairing the damage

there would be no other time

there would be no more giving it away or leasing it out to the undeserving

i was smarter now

the only person i wanted to trust her with from this point and on

was meeh

so where did you come from and why

why cant i just frolic in the wheat fields and fall in love with the stars

our affair would have been perfect

but you come from nowhere and im skipping beats

my breathing is scattered and my heart is trying to leap from my chest

and for what

i told you once that you were going to ruin meeh

i think you laughed it off and said that you would do no such thing

but i was right... again

and you... you never stood a chance

i also said that i didnt want to fall in love with you

you laughed at that as well and said good luck

this time you were right...

and it was i who never stood a chance.

how the joke was on meeh

we did everything fast

but it was all so natural

we didnt force a glance or a conversation

not a kiss and not a touch

the first time we made love was the moment that took meeh over the edge

and you became the difference between where i am and where i want to be

3amthoughts

i didnt know what to say

she told meeh the story of her life

and the only part if it that caught meeh

was the fact that she had never been tucked in to bed

its a shame when we allow the pains of our past to rot out our present

it ruins any chance of a future any different from the past we are trying to escape from

but when will we learn that tale

she didnt trust men

they had abused her all of her life

a sad, but common factor in the lives of young black women today

she grew up feeling like she had to prove herself to herself

in order to be accepted by a world that didnt acknowledge her in the first place

they grow up so misguided now

and all i wanted to do was hold her

she fell in love with a fool and played herself

so she could prove to someone that love can work

who is to say her conjecture was wrong

but her premis was certainly flawed

he was a decade older than her

makes sense

there was no father in her life

she didnt know the first thing about a man

a lesson her mother should have taught her

instead she got an earful that went something to the effect of

"you always acting like your no good daddy"

i always hate to hear that

in my mind i think it couldnt have always been so bad

you loved him enough to give him a child

he just didnt love you enough to stick around

or maybe he just didnt know how

there was no man in his life either

it wasnt long before she was pregnant

i couldnt help but wonder if that was her plan all along

but she could barely take care of it

she couldnt take care of herself

but she wasnt about to give it up

she was going to have the family she had always wanted

she got her GED and went to one of those TV schools for nursing

she worked at White Castle flipping burgers and Kohls folding clothes

it was her method of supporting her child

who would have guessed the old man didnt stick around with her

all of her accomplishments were followed by the same

"its even harder because his no good daddy just up and left"

and the cycle continued

she would never again trust a man

and all she did was foster a resentment by her son towards her

she didnt even know it

i was saddened to know that she had never known the honesty behind a kiss to the forehead

she wouldnt even entertain the possibility at this point

and she had never known to intimacy in being tucked into bed at night

my mother always said to meeh:

"you have two options with situations like this. you can either become the thing you hate or you can be the opposite."

i think i made the right choice

my forehead is my favorite place to be kissed

and there are very few nights that escape meeh

when i am not tucked in to bed.