fromthebottomup

There is now a certain level of resentment I hold for you

It was inevitable, please

Do not be alarmed.

Even your scent brings forward such disdain

As the revolution had for the incumbent

The coup was staged

And won.

If only was I privy to their arsenal

Rouge en colère

It would have helped meeh then

It could aide meeh now.

And now I sit and wonder where I have wandered off to

This setting is far from familiar

I would like to run

But have not the slightest idea as to where this road begins

Or even ends.

Here, the sun rises in the south

And sets in the north.

There is no east and west

The wind blows from the bottom up

And we walk on clouds.

The lightening begins in the sky

And the rain soaks through my underwear

My outer garments dry

The wind doesn’t blow up here.

The macadam hails

And the lucky have sense knocked into them

I should have known

The day I met you I cried.

My fault, I avoided the hail storm.

thenightidied

i never made it to my sixth birthday

i was too young and wish my memories could be erased

then i would feel differently

perhaps

these things were supposed to be special

to be sacred

and you took them from meeh

you who were supposed to be my protectorate

you were all i ever needed

and are everything i have ever hated

what did you see so

why did you look for it in meeh

it was a party for you

you invited onlookers

others to participate in the twisted festivities

like i was a carnival ride

do you know what you did to meeh

at times i wonder what you thought when you saw the blood

did it make it more exciting for you

how did you feel

i was your own flesh and blood

did you enjoy it

you murderer

you killed my spirit

how does it feel to see the walking dead

do i haunt you

the way you haunted meeh for years

there will be no tear shed for you

you will know how it feels

to have noone give a wink or a mention

for it to mean absolutely nothing

just the way it was for meeh

the night i died

everydayitrains

i remember where i was when i found out

the night before had been a rough one

i found out that i was having a child

i was too confused and stupid excited

this disgusting grin plastered on my face

i mean that they way we do in VI you know

it was another one of those sleepless night

i knew my grandfather would be elated

just how and when to tell him

and my boyfriend for that matter.

i was still in grad school

there was much to figure out

i decided to sleep in the back of my explorer

it was surprisingly comfortable

and quiet

it is where i spent many a night

out in the driveway

there must have been four separate journals with meeh

bubbis was with meeh - he was my comfort.

suddenly it was 3am

and there was this incessant knocking

and i couldnt figure out from where

i looked up and it was my haff

her bedroom window overlooks the driveway

and she had taken to knocking on her window

to grab my attention, when i slept outside

shes gone.

that was when it started raining.

i took over a month off of work

planning a funeral wasnt on my list

all of my joy disappeared and i found myself falling

my greatest fear

she was the rock of the family

i was boulder in training

but i still needed her

i was far from ready

who would be my rock

i dont do funerals

and saying goodbye to her was the hardest thing i ever did

until i said goodbye to my child.

the doctor said it was the stress

i think maybe it wanted to keep my grandmother company

i lost most of meeh

and it has rained every day since

outofcontrol

I had it all planned out

I call and you come

We take care of business

It was supposed to be simple

My way of retaining control

No emotions involved

You provide for meeh a service

A win-win situation

I thought I had it all under control

Because it was never about you

I never thought of you

I assumed you did it for the pleasure

What man wouldn’t?

After all, I knew I was good at what I did

For him, apparently, its wasn’t so simple

When you share certain parts of yourself

A connection is inevitable

This isn’t what I wanted

Suddenly he does not take my calls

Frustration long set in

I go for a long walk in my secret place

I swear I have never seen a soul there before

Spinning in circles

Taking in the fresh air

My personal liberator

I go toward the brook

At times I think it talks to meeh

I tell it my fears it is my best friend

As I sit on my rock I notice there is a person at the other end

I am not social and I don’t care

No introductions

Maybe I’ll even leave, this is awkward

It’s him

He approaches meeh

My first thought is to find out why the hell he is not taking my calls

Got meeh sitting here with all this pent up aggression

And he is sitting at MY damn brook

Nerve

Instead I simply say hi

He offers no response

Instead he takes hold of me and runs his fingers through my hair

Part of meeh wanted to pull away

Most of meeh did.

This is not what I wanted

Do not rob meeh of this

These are not my terms

This is not my home

We are not in my bed

I did not recognize this

But how my body melted

There was no composure

No holding it together

We made love for the first time

And he whispered in my ear

Just let meeh love you

I have resented him ever since

memoriesofus

It was so unexpected and has impacted every moment since then

I still smell your cologne.

Flashbacks of that night pass each time I blink

Every kiss and every touch

How did I let this happen?

I cannot wash you off of meeh

A feeling comes across my entire body when I think of it

It is as though you are still inside of meeh

Biting my lip as I see my nails run down your back

I feel the kisses you used to trace my neck

Exhale

I can taste your finger in my mouth

And feel your breath against my shoulder

Where the sensation begins

My hands pinned against a wall

The feeling moves lower

I shouldn’t, I know

But my mind and my body refuse to communicate

As though my mind is setting meeh up

Sweet scents in the air

My senses aroused

My inhibitions nonexistent

nightslikethese

we would laugh at the fact the neither of us was prepared for this weather.

my coat would be the heavier one with the fur on the hood.

you'd too cute for that

you will wear a heavy, yet inadequate leather jacket.

you pull out of your pocket what seemed to be a ridiculous ball of lint.

turns out to be a hat

and yes, you would look fresh off of the boat.

it is so cute.

your g status begins to wear after a short time and you shiver

i'd take my oversized scarf and lasso you in

tie you up well.

my hood was sufficient.

but it wouldnt matter

the moment would be ours

and that will be all that matters.

and we would snap fotographs and store them away

for nights like these

when i desperately seek a memory to hold on to

restinpeace

the truth is i would have never made it to school had it not been for you.

that stupid test. the only thing i couldnt do too well was tie my shoes.

i was nervous and you saw that.

what took my mother weeks took you seconds

and there i was, tying my shoe like a pro.

and i made it into kindergarten.

we were always inseparable

it would be funny to see us today

maybe easier

perhaps i would be different

thus making that thought unimaginable

hmm..

oh and remember danie?  that girl was something else

we were so different and and yet so the same when we got to the middle

it was hard there on the hill that night near mountaintop

we were all born before our time

and you

the stars have never been so bright as they were that night

i guess it was a map

so i could burn the image into every thought

and never forget

i remembered the words you said to meeh

but when i felt your breath i was so lost

and nothing could lead meeh back

but i had to be there for her

and i was

im glad i was

but the one time i was late

was the only time that mattered

and i lost you both too soon

and too close together

and all the ways i need you now

i cant even begin to say

so now i live in the stars

just like you told meeh

when i need you 

its where i go

and though i find it near impossible to live with it

i want you two to rest in peace

theothersideofthemoon

it was a hard one.

she did the talking and never the action.

her mechanism

longing to enjoy the things everyone else did

      she built herself up in a fantasy world.

              distance was her best friend

                       .it was her enabler.

                               .until him.         

holding hands

                            laughing

                                            sharing

for him, everything

for her, a fantasy life.

and he kissed her.

she lost control and could not be contained.

she started on a rampage of how he took advantage

.i thought you were different.

and why are men all the same

  .i thought you were different. 

and he was

so she gave in

she was molested and raped.

exiled herself to the other side of the moon

where the darkness could hide her

and she could be free

so she talks fast and acts slower and does everything from a distance.

she keeps volumes of her life that no eye has been worthy enough to see.

she does not exist

but on the other side

if you would like

.join meeh.

myswimminglessons

it had been a long but interesting encounter.

not sure why existentialism envelopes meeh the way it does.

but it saved meeh.

people spends their entire existence trying to find the meaning.

but i sat alone. in my own bubble.

rereading books that

i could tell you nothing of what went on around me.

i was always like this.

"why is it always after war that a man converts?"

it disrupted my thoughts.

i lifted my head to see where the voice came from

and there he was.

he excused himself, for some reason he was under the impression that i knew he was there.

i just looked at him.

"what are you talking about"

camus went to paris to join La Resistance during the time of Nazi Germany

he came back a different man.

just as viktor frankl came back from the concentration camps another man.

just as i...

we sipped on tea.

the smell of coffee triggers the gag effect and .well.

talked about nothing too important.

he wanted to know everything about meeh and i cant have that

trust issues perhaps.

but i just dont believe in putting yourself all out there.

he says "do you swim?"

i am from an island and heat is not my friend.

i dont swim, i dont even don the bathing suit!

he says, "there is a reason some dont want to be looked at."

".touched."

".seen."

he reached for my hand, and i pulled back.

he said, "i dont want to know all that, i just want to teach you to swim."

a smile flashed across my face.

while camus asserts, as do other existentialists, that there is no intrinsic rationale or moral meaning in human existence, he also believes that within each of us is the innate capacity for good.

we simply dont all reach our potential.

by the way, tomorrow is my first lesson.

mymidnightlove

i needed you when the clapping of thunder raped me repeatedly.

when the lightening struck twice where i sat, and i was frozen.

i didnt need you when the world was keeping tabs on how many doors you opened for meeh

i needed you when the lights were out and there was noone present but my naked soul.

i let you in. revealed my deepest fears to you.

you  listened long enough to know what they were

but not enough to know why.

but you know meeh so well?

my mind wanders when you speak to meeh.

i melt at the thought of his last words.

the affair begins again.

he knows my thoughts before i think them

and i his

he is a stranger whose words i read one midnight hour when you weren't there.

and since i can count on your absence chaque minuit

.je l'attends.

myonenightstand

strange the way my heart flutters. but im good

i can never control the expressions on my face except in times like these.

maybe because its the first time.

we have been talking for hours accents and the wheatfield of my youth.

as we laugh your hand touches my thigh.

i think about all the arguments waiting for meeh at home

and the passion thats faded

and i want to escape mais

quel est un homme sil nest pas fidele.

we speak of children and if we can even call them that these days.

these  little ones are a special breed with special vulnerabilites.

they live a different  life.

and yet you come closer.

all i can think to myself is

i dont remember the last time feeling like this. and i am enjoying every bit of it.

but come morning, we must never speak of this night again.