myfirstdedication

there i was in the most serene of places

i was surrounded by nothing but nature and the beautiful side of people

and for a change, i could breathe.

to the boy who called himself a man...

thank you for showing meeh the difference

because of you, i know how to take care of myself

for so long i hated you for beating not just meeh, but my soul

but truth be told, you made meeh stronger

to the daffodil who flails in the wind

it is not your fault

and i apologize to you for making you feel like it was all those years

it was hard for you but i didnt want to see past the pain it caused meeh

because of you my vision is sharper and my judgment, not so much

to the conniving wizard of the roundtable

you played meeh well, and i thank you

you showed meeh my limits and how worthless spoken words really are

and how wonderful a first love could be

though i must admit, at times i wish it was more than that

to the chimeric mistress

at times i am so confused

you have instilled in meeh a fear so great

but i am grateful, as i know now to pray hard

to you, my monster in the closet

no one has had a greater impact on my life than you

though i think ill never be able to include you in another step of it

whether you know it or not, you influence every decision i make

for the bad or good of it

and as much as i would like to never think on your existence

i do - at every chance i get

you are the biggest part of meeh

thank you for forcing meeh to become a woman

perhaps i would have liked more time

but i would do nothing differently

i love the woman i have become

to my id

you drive meeh crazy

i feel so back and forth with you

the very thing that drew meeh so close pushes meeh so far

you are nothing i need but occassionally all that i want

you help meeh to understand my self destructive side

and i could not be more grateful

without that understanding im sure id never be happy

to my dream catcher

i lay beside you night after night

and the things i thought i knew i dont

but thats fine

at times i am overwhelmed by this decision

but i get lost in your eyes

and its all worth it again

there are many more but the words allude meeh

for you, however, you will be my first dedication

angelinthecrosswalk

I was empty, my soul almost completely consumed by the darkness that ever loomed

I was absent in the day and in the night…

I was actually afraid to sleep.

I think my mind was so far gone that I thought if I slept a night, I would never wake up

There were so many things that I still wanted to see

Sleep was not an option.

I would not allow my life to end there, come now.

I found, each night, a method to occupy the hours

And on the particular night, the method was you.

I saw you there, in the crosswalk

It was entirely too late for any soul to be out there

And truth be told, im not entirely sure you quite knew what you were doing out there either

Perhaps you were searching for meeh

Nah, that just sounds too creepy.

But you were there. It was just us.

We spoke of random nothingness, which was cool

I mean what else is there at such ungodly hours

Like all my affairs, this too had to end with to coming of the sun

It was my curfew, but you promised to meet meeh the same time on the next evening

Pardon meeh for a moment, I am searching for a word…..

He said it, Maxwell I mean, you are the only thing that makes meeh wanna come out of these walls.

And its true.

The day came and I was different, anxious I suppose

The night could not come fast enough

I rushed out and there you were

My angel in the crosswalk

I had been saving my words the whole day long

That might speak them to none other than you

You were where I wanted to be.

Scary – I only admitted that just now.

Speak this to no one, and ill digress.

Many nights followed this way.

I was not so empty when the sun came for its daily visitation requirements.

There was a fire inside of meeh, and it burned for the night

It burned for you, you know.

Before long, I no longer had to go out to the crosswalk where you were that very first night

You came to meeh

We talked to hours away and the sun grew jealous

but that was of no importance because we were together

and I slept that night for the first time in ages

and you were not far

when I opened my eyes then

your smile greeted meeh

thatimightloveyou

make love to meeh the way lovers do

the first time they look into each others eyes

and decide the game is no longer worth playing

it is time to surrender

kiss meeh like i was the only one in the world

like you were born to give this love

and i was born to receive it from you

and only you

speak the words you've spent your days conjuring

and committing solely to paper

papyrus aside

i am here now

let meeh bathe in this love that has consumed meeh

i have stripped myself naked

and tossed the fear laden garments to the wayside

i am yours

let us leave the lights on that nothing be hidden

i want to feel every part of you

especially those that would be hidden by the dark

the clouds will be our blanket and your kisses a map

i want to trace your body with my kisses

so ill know always where home is

let meeh run into you

that i might love you the way i have only dreamed

loveyouright

i met my angel on the other side of the crosswalk

it was all a bit unexpected

and in almost no time my life was laid there in his hands.

there were to be many moments between us

ones that would be critical

and others yet to be shared.

we never spoke of time limits

forevers and things like that

i suppose i assumed the end did not exist.

there is something to be said for those who assume, knowing the consequences

but i had always been a risk taker

and right now i stand bare naked and open.

i thought i knew just what i needed to know

you were all i wanted, needed

and i was going to give my all to that.

i put down my charts and organized not a thing

and let the universe take its course without my misdirection

and it was beautiful that way.

short lived, but how was i to ever see that coming

i had a lot of pride

pride that i could put aside in some instances, but had difficulties where it mattered.

sure you can fetch my medicine

but my battles are mine to fight

and the regrets began

if i could do it all over

i would have handed it all over to you first

before i took a crack at it before i shed a new tear.

i would have evaluated the people who surrounded meeh

and known better from the start

i would have been all there was.

i thought i already was

funny the way things look on this side of the glass

i love you

i was a coward not to say it to your face

but i loved you then

and i love you now

and maybe in the future

when the past decides to repeat itself

we can have this again

and i will love you right

ihadnoclue

we probably had no business lying together the way we did

between the two of us there were far too many feelings

both expressed and not

but something pushed meeh to reach in for a kiss

i fought it as hard as i could

or hard enough to trick myself into believing that i wanted to fight it

whatever the case was

i barely caught your lip and an intense heat ran through meeh

i didnt know what i was hoping for

but i knew what i didnt want to happen

so i simply prayed, "please dont ask meeh any questions"

we ate our pizza the same

and took the same amount of sugars in our tea

you liked milk in your hot cocoa

and i water

we were perfect, this was perfect

this moment could be perfect

please dont ask meeh any questions.

and you didnt

you looked at meeh with those eyes

i always did get lost in them, huh

you leaned in

i closed my eyes

and surrendered

i had no clue until the first time your lips made love to mine

warmestregards

preface:

i have been afraid

afraid to open my eyes and see another go

afraid to open myself and lose that too

afraid to live because i dont know how it will all end

you take that away from meeh

we didnt pace ourselves and i think that is what kept us alive

tradition went out the window

and not the stuff our parents made their attempts at instilling

but things we conjured up on our own based on the lives we've led thus far

we were something else

no name no title no descriptions

yeah, im sure that is what kept us alive

i thought long and hard and decided the best thing was to stop

to stop planning and stop thinking

to stop trying to fit everything into these preconceived outlines

to stop hindering myself with superficial barriers

and do something for the books

and i did

i got up on that plane and looked out the door

this is where i would jump

i would give in to my worst fear to achieve the one goal i really have in life

to live

i stepped out on to the clouds

and let them transport meeh right to where you were

and as i was falling all i could think of was your smile

and the kiss that awaited meeh down on the ground

and i wanted it to go faster

dear you,

i am not afraid anymore. i dont put on gloves to hold the pole in the metro. i just do. i pluck the rose before inspecting the stem. if a thorn catches meeh i will wipe the blood and pluck another. you taught meeh that its okei to be careful as long as its not debilitating. you taught meeh that some things remain and while every moment is fleeting, i shouldnt simply watch it go. because of you i will run freely, and if i fall and it hurts then ill get back up and run some more. i wont be bitter and i wont shut down. because of you, i will live.

warmest regards

allthistime

each day i walk past the same yard
overgrown with weeds and mess
i swear there are tics, snakes and even a gila monster lurking around in there
and quite frankly my feet are too precious to walk through
but this time it was different.

i rolled up my pants and sprayed my legs with OFF
my eyesight is different, but im not trying to welcome lyme disease
armed with ink and dip pens, sketch pad and pastels, a camera and a blanket
i must have lost my mind
this was not meeh
but i have not been meeh in a few days now.

i knew exactly what i wanted and where to find it
or i thought i did, yeah thats what it was.

there was a lady bug crawling on one of the blades of grass
i was shocked, didnt realize there was grass there
i see everything differently now
i picked it up and put it on my arm
and it crawled in and out of the hairs
like it had its very own playground
and i wanted to be just that.

it was a different world with vegetation id seen nowhere else
not in my well groomed parks
with the right plants in the right place
only because i refused to see other possibilities
i liked this place
i liked where it took meeh
and i loved what it did to meeh.

this place was everything i never wanted
everything i refused to associate myself with
and somehow everything that made meeh happy
it reminded meeh of how i used to feel before life weighed in
it was like a sanctuary, controlled chaos with beauty everywhere

and just like that, it hit meeh
i thought i knew it all but only looked through one window
and all at once all i thought i wanted was erased
and i just wanted to be here.
show meeh, ladybug, what a fool ive been all this time.

thesamethingtomorrow

there in the park i found my youth in an excerpt

that read something like im real, take it or leave it.

my first instinct was to leave it

and so i did

somehow, though, it found meeh.

the squirrels were chasing each other around the tree

up the branches

disappearing behind the foliage

the smell of morning dew was still on the grass

but i laid my blanket down

so i wasnt worried about getting wet.

i fell in love with what i saw

and only hoped the feeling was mutual

so that the breeze would never end

the wind and I had an understanding

the silhouette of a man and woman dancing in the distance caught my eye

they laughed like teenagers finding love for the first time

it seemed like the nights and days were passing

but they never left the park

two and a half children playing in the not too far distance

made meeh think of a future i could have given up on

a tear made its way out

and all i wanted was to shake their parents hand

they seemed well groomed and good natured

it was a plus that they had manners to match.

for a while i watched the sun play peek a boo with the clouds

and all i could think of was "what took so long"

no answer came to mind

so i simply enjoyed the chase of squirrels

the innocent intrigue if children

and the hopeless romance of their father and mother

the sun decided to give way to the moon

or was it the moon for the sun

either way i will make it back to stable ground

and hope to see the same thing tomorrow

nooneknewthedifference

It was the bruised child within who believed she could find love anywhere that she went

She was a beautiful girl far beyond her years

Both mentally, and physically

It was quite the plan despite its being destructive

What man would resist her large supple breasts

And grown woman ass

Her waist was small

And her attention span short

She only wanted part time love

Nothing she could feel anywhere other than between her legs.

It was quite the plan despite its being destructive

But it satisfied her temporary desires.

She was but a child and had not the slightest idea of what real love took

She loved the look on a mans face as he orgasmed

The way he would hold her tight til he got it all out

Or the way he would stroke her hair while she sucked the life out of his dick

She was selling herself short

If only she knew the worth of what she was giving away

The meaning was taken from her as a child

Love was but a word and sex had all the feeling

She was on cloud nine when she climaxed

And she only said “I love you” when she was done

She was discreet so she wasn’t labeled a trick

She was good at what she did and only gave it to those worthy of her black book

And when she got bored on Tuesday nights she would make the call

That love was guaranteed – she was too good to say no to

They came running, no hesitation

As she grew in age she remained that trapped little girl

Careful enough to never make one of her own

She didn’t know how to raise a woman

She knew what she was

She didn’t know how to raise a man

She knew what they did to her

She was just lost and no one knew the difference.