kissesinthedark

he told meeh it would be us against the world
i knew the world would take issue
so i withdrew
his soft kisses in the dark were all i needed
the rest i guess was just for fun

but then i got older
and time started passing meeh by
i didnt mind it
but the fun was over
and i started having all these grown up thoughts and feelings
and i fell in love with the idea of him first

the idea of my lover being my best friend
the idea of my protectorate being my key
the idea that i could give all my vulnerabilities to this one soul
this one man who would hold meeh
and keep meeh from my darkness

and then i fell in love with him
and the idea was nothing like who he turned out to be
the darkness that consumes him
as it throws meeh to the floor
the anger that covers him as he lashes out
but i was to remain in perfect form

well i didnt
and you were wrong to expect that i would
but that didnt just hurt him
it hurt meeh more

it made him question my love
and call it a lie
and all i could think was its over

while he did what he had always done
i cried and wished i didnt go further than that stupid idea
some things should remain dreams always
dreamers live forever
i just laid there on the floor and died.

nomorerainbows

"you see i been dead so long
closed in silence so long
i dont know the sound of my own voice."

the rainbow ended and i guess i ran outta ways to pretend.
i carried a burden to heavy for even me
and all this time i was pretending to be superwoman
well i aint

im not her

the sobbing the screaming
the kicking the bleeding
the secrets that kill my soul

but i cant tell a soul

"i wanted to know if i could stand not being wanted
when i wanted to be wanted"
and it burned a whole in my being
but i never dropped to my knees

all of meeh wanted you
but never needed you until now
now that i sit on this floor
with my secret

lets play it out again
swap you for meeh
then no one would have any more secrets

hang yourself with the pain if you want
but im gon choose something different this time
imma get this here together and eat what i know i shouldnt
and drink what i know i shouldnt
and i promise not to wake up with another secret.

see i done made fire from rain
and wind from water
where there is woman
there is magic

but there is more to a woman
than her breast and thighs
she is created to bear suffering
and carry the weights of the world

but the rainbow gone now
i got no more reasons
and this damn hole is consuming meeh
so i sit here
with my food and drink to say
enough is enuf

theletteridneverwritten

i used to sit up every morning before i went to the shower and write you a note

something that you would find in the morning on your pillow

if you felt for meeh when you woke

they would always tell you

thank you for the night

if it didnt say anything else

you would know the significance of being held

they would tell you that i would carry your scent with meeh

and that the only thing i would look forward to were your arms

the arms that kept meeh so safe from my nightmares

safe from the darkness id hidden myself in

and the days would pass

some quicker than others

but they all ended the same so the middle of it all didnt matter much

but the words i really wanted to say

i branded on my heart

they were too fragile to commit to paper

and now that you are a 7208 miles away

i think differently

i dream of you holding the letter id never written

reading the words that told you of the night i fell in love with you

hearing my heart beat and the wind whisper

that the continents could not keep us apart

and you would have known that i would have opened my life to you

that i would serve you in every way

and not let a day go by where you had to ask what if

that letter held sacred kisses

and a key to my soul

and a promise that you will never know

i was wrong

never to have let you know

and i will never know again the comfort of your arms

but i still sit up each morning and type up a note

reminiscent of those id leave on your pillow all those years ago

with the click of a button they go the distance

not that they mean anything anymore

but perhaps they will make you smile

as you remember the way we were so in love

makelove

maybe it is the pressure of knowing the pain of failure the past has brought
but there is nothing about meeh
that wants to spend one moment without you

im captured by the soft touch of your breath against my cheek
and i whisper "lay meeh down"
without so much as a breath leaving my body
you are how i imagined it would be
and i am at your will

touch meeh with your mind
and kiss meeh with your body
and i promise you this
i am not going anywhere

images of your smile flash through my mind
and my world is lit by the light thereof
steadily enveloped in your words
this is the way should have always been

i can give you a special kind of love

undress meeh with the scent of your cologne
and watch meeh surrender it all
willing to give into your fantasies
and you alone are mine

kidnap meeh with your thoughts
and dont study meeh if i shiver
nervous without cause
i know that i am safe in your space
and if i turn back from your gaze
pull meeh back in

my fears will cause meeh to run
dont let them cause you to allow meeh
inside you know my spirit just wants to make love to you

in your assurance, show meeh what love is
and i will learn just what you teach

peanutsontheplane

and this stranger sat beside meeh with the most captivating smile
it grabbed hold of the corner of my eye but i didnt raise my head
i was otherwise occupied
i smiled and continued texting while i still could
i knew once the plane was ready to take off there would be no more of that
and sure enough there she was

"maam, i am going to need you to turn that off"
i looked up and smiled and did as i was bid

a deep soothing voice says "she sure told you"
we laughed and carried a conversation
at some point my eyes closed
and i dreamed of us dancing the flight away
up and down the aisle with dips and spins
and he held my waist just right
i wanted to melt right there in his arms
and with the last dip

he leaned in

i closed my eyes

"maam, im going to need you to turn off your cellular phone"
i snapped out of it and turned off my phone
i looked beside meeh and there he was
eating peanuts on the plane
i leaned back with a smile
ear buds in

...takeoff...

lunchwithastranger

a million thoughts were jumbled about

waiting to pass

i placed an order at the corner market

and as i waited i took a seat

always the observer

and i saw there a man

with his eyes fixed so on a beautiful young lady.

she occupied his thoughts and feeling
and she did nothing but flash a smile in his direction
but it was certainly enough
perhaps for the both of them

the sun was out but the chill hadnt left the air
and as my tea finally arrived
i noticed him walk her way

im certain he couldnt tell how hard she was trying to keep her wits about her
it was the funniest scene all day
and of all the people to pass meeh by
they were the ones i was drawn to

though they seem to have spoken few words
their smiles grew bigger and brighter
suddenly my tea was making meeh hot

they took a seat not too far from where i was sitting
i found myself torn between them and the pad my intentions were dedicated to
though my soup had finally arrived
there was no need for it

so i watched the new couple become friends
and it was the best lunch with a stranger id ever had
until the next time.

littlefallofrain

they said i would live a hundred years in the safety of your arms

and though the world would take my life

it would be for a cause we both shared

and so you would be there with meeh wrapped up in your arms

and in that very moment

a little fall of rain could hardly hurt meeh

i have loved you from a distance far too great for this life

you were not ready for it

that kind of thing is far beyond your years

but it was there waiting for you nevertheless

because it is all i ever knew how to do

the cold is setting in and feel my last breaths leaving my body
but you will not leave meeh now

now i can live in my dreams

where you are waiting for meeh

so hold meeh close

and keep meeh safe

dont hold in your tears

they will help the flowers to grow

tosavemyhand

of course that is the way it goes. two wrongs never make a right to the one who wronged you. and without ever addressing their own transgressions they blurt out in the middle of an already awkward silence "One day you will have to answer to Him for what you have done to meeh!" Yeah right, we will stand side by side on that line.

@skinnyjeanius' rule number 463 - "only apologize once for the mistakes you have made."

so it dawned on meeh. I have always had a choice and crying my eyes out over someone i wasnt sure was worth meeh was never one of the options. the choice was simple. Give up on him or give up on meeh. my life has taken meeh on a roller coaster ride through the hell fires and back on more than ten occasions and let meeh tell you the way i love myself now. I adore the woman i have become far too much to choose the latter option. so the deal was made and my signature in blood on the dotted line. i became her for a hot minute, but its not who i would remain.

i have always had a high tolerance for pain. time to remember it and hang on it. but when you weigh it all out. what was more painful? only an emotionally mature person could do this one with ease. and i wasnt always that. something about him turned meeh from the strong woman id grown into to the little girl i thought id left behind. and i recognized it a long time ago. and i should have cut it loose then, but i was more afraid of being alone. so i stayed.

im not afraid anymore though. only thing that was tying meeh down was time invested. but truth be told i was ready to lock that bad boy in a box and throw it overboard in the deepest part of the ocean. It would hurt. No matter what I might or might not say, a part of my heart is right there with it. but at this point its a matter of self preservation. time to cut off the thumb to save my hand.

afterthehurricane

so i have dry mouth. i would love nothing more than to drink a tall refreshing glass of water... WAIT there is one thing... i want ALWAYS to be aligned with the will of God. and so i tarry on.

so i told myself that i dont believe in keeping up with the Jones'. I mean, I dont know them people and could care less for what they got. No one actually lives with them, so who knows what their "real life" is like. So i choose mine, flaws and all. And Lord knows ive got em.

there is a purpose to this. i have hidden myself not just from the world, but from myself. its a painful process, but i want to peel back all these sheets i have hidden under all these years. i want to be exposed - the bare naked meeh. for the first time... in a lifetime.

the thunder only bothers her when she was alone.
nothing ever bothers her until then.
she was forced to see herself then. to deal with herself then. to be with herself
in a crowd of people she could become what she needed to be.
a bougie superwoman as some would say.
i prefer the other version.
the well poised even tempered well mannered young lady.
the way they made em back when women had a place and were content in it.
you see she was strong, well read and well versed.
she shined fine, but never took the spotlight
she was humble. still is.

but alone the superwoman was weak and scared of her own shadow
no one knew who she was not even herself.
and that is the way she wanted it to be.
until she began to suffocate.
the thunder was all around
the lightening bright striking the fear of God in her heart.

the only option she had was to peer from underneath all the sheets to see where the lightening was coming from
then she could take cover.
and it hurt
with every sheet that she tore away the sound of thunder grew louder and louder.
her ears were ringing
but for the first time in a lifetime she pressed on

and after the hurricane she saw the sky
surrounded by strangers
as naked as the day she was born.

smileallthetime

she whispered words she hoped the wind would carry
she was older but her mind wasnt, so what could you expect.
she smiled all the time - kinda like she was one of those special kids, you know
the ones who dont go to schools like the rest of us go to
but she was a sweet one
we thought she was innocent so we didnt bother her with the woes of the world
like somehow it would ruin her
and she was far too sweet to be ruined

but what did we know
as far as we were concerned - only the special kids smile all the time.

she knew the moment she stopped
the tears would coming flooding
she didnt want to be defined by her pain
life had beaten her ragged
life, and everyone that came into it
but she stood firm

she certainly didnt believe the age old mantra "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger"
but deep down she really wanted to.
some people would rather fantasy than reality
because their reality cant exist even in the imagination of the most wicked of minds

but she had a safety blanket
most of the time she would wrap it around her neck and tie the corners
pretend that she was superwoman
they said her mind was young because she didnt speak too often
and when she did her voice was small
her eyes always lowered a bit
though her head was never tilted in the same direction

she lost everyone she loved
and everyone she wanted to love, well
she whispered words to them in the wind
she believed that some things were better left fantasies.
that way perceptions couldnt be ruined

now she only loved the idea of things and of people
so the reality of who and what they were could never harm her
she was wise beyond her years
she knew exactly what everyone thought of her
but that was beneath her
instead she kept that smile boy
so who would ever know.

she smiled all the time - kinda like she was one of those special kids, you know
the ones who dont go to schools like the rest of us go to
but she was a sweet one
we thought she was innocent so we didnt bother her with the woes of the world
like somehow it would ruin her
and she was far too sweet to be ruined

but what did they know
as far as they were concerned - only the special ones smiled all the time.

imaredbone

it happened before
i was too young to know alot of things
but old enough to know i'd never be the same
he was the man i looked to for safety
he killed meeh instead
and i would never look to anyone that way again
but it happened again
in a moment of weakness you became the man i looked to for safety
in a strange world im still trying to figure out how i got to
and you killed meeh
again and again

i could still feel the sting of where the back of his hand made contact with my face.
and the black eye i went on the interview with
im a good liar now, thanks to you.
to say sorry you forced meeh to my knees
yes- forced. wanna see the bruises
im a red bone and things like that dont hide at all let alone well.

you waved your manhood like a flag in my face
and were content to make meeh your flag pole.
when i ran you tied meeh up.
when i screamed your fist met my face
and then a pillow

i almost thought id rather be dead.
but what good would i be then.
i endured. i questioned, but i endured.
and i m a stronger woman now
not a bitter woman - though every now and then a memory will flood my entire being
and i hide so no one else can see.

i dont say the things other girls in my shoes say
"ive been hurt so many times blah blah blah"
HA! i was watching Trip the Light Poetic and MAN, did D. Walker hit that one on the HEAD!!!
but it wasnt meeh.
because i didnt want anyone to see.

so i wear these masks - more like tattoos
because i knew after you raped meeh
i would never be the same
but see, no one else needed to know that.

whenicouldntdoit

trying to figure out when it all came like this.
we said we were committed to it
but when it got hard, only one of us was willing to ride the wave.
the other jumped ship... over and over and over again.
its destructive but only one of us ever cries
only one of us ever died.
we said we were committed to it
but when it got hard only one of us was willing to ride the wave.


i turned into that girl for him. and its funny because i never knew girls like that in real life. ill have to sit and evaluate the past 4 years to figure out the when where why and how of it. but at the end of the story the simple fact is, i turned into that girl for him.


he didnt want the truth, he wanted his truth. and so i gave it to him so that he could sleep better at night. but then i couldnt look at myself in the mirror. so i took it back.


that made me a liar and a whore and all the things id really be if his truth aligned. but word of mouth doesnt matter - and not just my mouth, but the horses mouth. all that matters is the 5 line conversation of incontrovertible evidence he acquired by utilizing a spy program. but that didnt catch it all. or maybe it did. but all he wanted were those 5 lines.

and suddenly the tears fell like a waterfall. i was broken on the inside. i walked away from all my work and all my dignity to cry in a bathroom stall over something that never was. and it hit meeh.


i once asked God to break the bonds that needed to be broken when i couldnt do it. You go first, Lord - Your will be done.


He has never forgotten my request.

ca fait longetemps

it has been longer than it was ever supposed to be
the distance shows every now and again
when my eyes gaze into a crosswalk
everything in meeh has changed
and who says it isnt all for the better

something i never thought to imagine
and there it all began
that crosswalk over there - ha
cant help but chuckle at the thought
and that one... and those too

the way people believe in unicorns and then they dont
and it was all a dream at first
but you assured meeh i was pleasantly mistaken.
so i didnt sleep because i didnt want to wake up without you
but i was convinced

we lie there talking about the universe and then it went black
when my eyes opened i was afraid
but you
the way you held meeh
i could believe in anything

and the days were hurried
but the nights were slow
and i was grateful
though i didnt know when
i was sure my time was short
and it was

the last time i opened my eyes
you were not there
and i thought id lost it all

though id been avoiding it forever
i made my way to the crosswalk
where i first caught your sight
and there you were again

perhaps you tarried there too long
your back was turned
and you walked away

i didnt have the heart to call out to you
i knew you would be back
i heard you whisper in the wind
and so will i

parce que malgre de temps
et ca fait longetemps
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