tosavemyhand

of course that is the way it goes. two wrongs never make a right to the one who wronged you. and without ever addressing their own transgressions they blurt out in the middle of an already awkward silence "One day you will have to answer to Him for what you have done to meeh!" Yeah right, we will stand side by side on that line.

@skinnyjeanius' rule number 463 - "only apologize once for the mistakes you have made."

so it dawned on meeh. I have always had a choice and crying my eyes out over someone i wasnt sure was worth meeh was never one of the options. the choice was simple. Give up on him or give up on meeh. my life has taken meeh on a roller coaster ride through the hell fires and back on more than ten occasions and let meeh tell you the way i love myself now. I adore the woman i have become far too much to choose the latter option. so the deal was made and my signature in blood on the dotted line. i became her for a hot minute, but its not who i would remain.

i have always had a high tolerance for pain. time to remember it and hang on it. but when you weigh it all out. what was more painful? only an emotionally mature person could do this one with ease. and i wasnt always that. something about him turned meeh from the strong woman id grown into to the little girl i thought id left behind. and i recognized it a long time ago. and i should have cut it loose then, but i was more afraid of being alone. so i stayed.

im not afraid anymore though. only thing that was tying meeh down was time invested. but truth be told i was ready to lock that bad boy in a box and throw it overboard in the deepest part of the ocean. It would hurt. No matter what I might or might not say, a part of my heart is right there with it. but at this point its a matter of self preservation. time to cut off the thumb to save my hand.

afterthehurricane

so i have dry mouth. i would love nothing more than to drink a tall refreshing glass of water... WAIT there is one thing... i want ALWAYS to be aligned with the will of God. and so i tarry on.

so i told myself that i dont believe in keeping up with the Jones'. I mean, I dont know them people and could care less for what they got. No one actually lives with them, so who knows what their "real life" is like. So i choose mine, flaws and all. And Lord knows ive got em.

there is a purpose to this. i have hidden myself not just from the world, but from myself. its a painful process, but i want to peel back all these sheets i have hidden under all these years. i want to be exposed - the bare naked meeh. for the first time... in a lifetime.

the thunder only bothers her when she was alone.
nothing ever bothers her until then.
she was forced to see herself then. to deal with herself then. to be with herself
in a crowd of people she could become what she needed to be.
a bougie superwoman as some would say.
i prefer the other version.
the well poised even tempered well mannered young lady.
the way they made em back when women had a place and were content in it.
you see she was strong, well read and well versed.
she shined fine, but never took the spotlight
she was humble. still is.

but alone the superwoman was weak and scared of her own shadow
no one knew who she was not even herself.
and that is the way she wanted it to be.
until she began to suffocate.
the thunder was all around
the lightening bright striking the fear of God in her heart.

the only option she had was to peer from underneath all the sheets to see where the lightening was coming from
then she could take cover.
and it hurt
with every sheet that she tore away the sound of thunder grew louder and louder.
her ears were ringing
but for the first time in a lifetime she pressed on

and after the hurricane she saw the sky
surrounded by strangers
as naked as the day she was born.

smileallthetime

she whispered words she hoped the wind would carry
she was older but her mind wasnt, so what could you expect.
she smiled all the time - kinda like she was one of those special kids, you know
the ones who dont go to schools like the rest of us go to
but she was a sweet one
we thought she was innocent so we didnt bother her with the woes of the world
like somehow it would ruin her
and she was far too sweet to be ruined

but what did we know
as far as we were concerned - only the special kids smile all the time.

she knew the moment she stopped
the tears would coming flooding
she didnt want to be defined by her pain
life had beaten her ragged
life, and everyone that came into it
but she stood firm

she certainly didnt believe the age old mantra "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger"
but deep down she really wanted to.
some people would rather fantasy than reality
because their reality cant exist even in the imagination of the most wicked of minds

but she had a safety blanket
most of the time she would wrap it around her neck and tie the corners
pretend that she was superwoman
they said her mind was young because she didnt speak too often
and when she did her voice was small
her eyes always lowered a bit
though her head was never tilted in the same direction

she lost everyone she loved
and everyone she wanted to love, well
she whispered words to them in the wind
she believed that some things were better left fantasies.
that way perceptions couldnt be ruined

now she only loved the idea of things and of people
so the reality of who and what they were could never harm her
she was wise beyond her years
she knew exactly what everyone thought of her
but that was beneath her
instead she kept that smile boy
so who would ever know.

she smiled all the time - kinda like she was one of those special kids, you know
the ones who dont go to schools like the rest of us go to
but she was a sweet one
we thought she was innocent so we didnt bother her with the woes of the world
like somehow it would ruin her
and she was far too sweet to be ruined

but what did they know
as far as they were concerned - only the special ones smiled all the time.

imaredbone

it happened before
i was too young to know alot of things
but old enough to know i'd never be the same
he was the man i looked to for safety
he killed meeh instead
and i would never look to anyone that way again
but it happened again
in a moment of weakness you became the man i looked to for safety
in a strange world im still trying to figure out how i got to
and you killed meeh
again and again

i could still feel the sting of where the back of his hand made contact with my face.
and the black eye i went on the interview with
im a good liar now, thanks to you.
to say sorry you forced meeh to my knees
yes- forced. wanna see the bruises
im a red bone and things like that dont hide at all let alone well.

you waved your manhood like a flag in my face
and were content to make meeh your flag pole.
when i ran you tied meeh up.
when i screamed your fist met my face
and then a pillow

i almost thought id rather be dead.
but what good would i be then.
i endured. i questioned, but i endured.
and i m a stronger woman now
not a bitter woman - though every now and then a memory will flood my entire being
and i hide so no one else can see.

i dont say the things other girls in my shoes say
"ive been hurt so many times blah blah blah"
HA! i was watching Trip the Light Poetic and MAN, did D. Walker hit that one on the HEAD!!!
but it wasnt meeh.
because i didnt want anyone to see.

so i wear these masks - more like tattoos
because i knew after you raped meeh
i would never be the same
but see, no one else needed to know that.

whenicouldntdoit

trying to figure out when it all came like this.
we said we were committed to it
but when it got hard, only one of us was willing to ride the wave.
the other jumped ship... over and over and over again.
its destructive but only one of us ever cries
only one of us ever died.
we said we were committed to it
but when it got hard only one of us was willing to ride the wave.


i turned into that girl for him. and its funny because i never knew girls like that in real life. ill have to sit and evaluate the past 4 years to figure out the when where why and how of it. but at the end of the story the simple fact is, i turned into that girl for him.


he didnt want the truth, he wanted his truth. and so i gave it to him so that he could sleep better at night. but then i couldnt look at myself in the mirror. so i took it back.


that made me a liar and a whore and all the things id really be if his truth aligned. but word of mouth doesnt matter - and not just my mouth, but the horses mouth. all that matters is the 5 line conversation of incontrovertible evidence he acquired by utilizing a spy program. but that didnt catch it all. or maybe it did. but all he wanted were those 5 lines.

and suddenly the tears fell like a waterfall. i was broken on the inside. i walked away from all my work and all my dignity to cry in a bathroom stall over something that never was. and it hit meeh.


i once asked God to break the bonds that needed to be broken when i couldnt do it. You go first, Lord - Your will be done.


He has never forgotten my request.