whenicouldntdoit

trying to figure out when it all came like this.
we said we were committed to it
but when it got hard, only one of us was willing to ride the wave.
the other jumped ship... over and over and over again.
its destructive but only one of us ever cries
only one of us ever died.
we said we were committed to it
but when it got hard only one of us was willing to ride the wave.


i turned into that girl for him. and its funny because i never knew girls like that in real life. ill have to sit and evaluate the past 4 years to figure out the when where why and how of it. but at the end of the story the simple fact is, i turned into that girl for him.


he didnt want the truth, he wanted his truth. and so i gave it to him so that he could sleep better at night. but then i couldnt look at myself in the mirror. so i took it back.


that made me a liar and a whore and all the things id really be if his truth aligned. but word of mouth doesnt matter - and not just my mouth, but the horses mouth. all that matters is the 5 line conversation of incontrovertible evidence he acquired by utilizing a spy program. but that didnt catch it all. or maybe it did. but all he wanted were those 5 lines.

and suddenly the tears fell like a waterfall. i was broken on the inside. i walked away from all my work and all my dignity to cry in a bathroom stall over something that never was. and it hit meeh.


i once asked God to break the bonds that needed to be broken when i couldnt do it. You go first, Lord - Your will be done.


He has never forgotten my request.