theothersideofthemoon

kissesinthedark

2010-11-11T10:31:00.000-08:00

he told meeh it would be us against the world
i knew the world would take issue
so i withdrew
his soft kisses in the dark were all i needed
the rest i guess was just for fun

but then i got older
and time started passing meeh by
i didnt mind it
but the fun was over
and i started having all these grown up thoughts and feelings
and i fell in love with the idea of him first

the idea of my lover being my best friend
the idea of my protectorate being my key
the idea that i could give all my vulnerabilities to this one soul
this one man who would hold meeh
and keep meeh from my darkness

and then i fell in love with him
and the idea was nothing like who he turned out to be
the darkness that consumes him
as it throws meeh to the floor
the anger that covers him as he lashes out
but i was to remain in perfect form

well i didnt
and you were wrong to expect that i would
but that didnt just hurt him
it hurt meeh more

it made him question my love
and call it a lie
and all i could think was its over

while he did what he had always done
i cried and wished i didnt go further than that stupid idea
some things should remain dreams always
dreamers live forever
i just laid there on the floor and died.

nomorerainbows

2010-11-09T04:03:00.001-08:00

"you see i been dead so long
closed in silence so long
i dont know the sound of my own voice."

the rainbow ended and i guess i ran outta ways to pretend.
i carried a burden to heavy for even me
and all this time i was pretending to be superwoman
well i aint

im not her

the sobbing the screaming
the kicking the bleeding
the secrets that kill my soul

but i cant tell a soul

"i wanted to know if i could stand not being wanted
when i wanted to be wanted"
and it burned a whole in my being
but i never dropped to my knees

all of meeh wanted you
but never needed you until now
now that i sit on this floor
with my secret

lets play it out again
swap you for meeh
then no one would have any more secrets

hang yourself with the pain if you want
but im gon choose something different this time
imma get this here together and eat what i know i shouldnt
and drink what i know i shouldnt
and i promise not to wake up with another secret.

see i done made fire from rain
and wind from water
where there is woman
there is magic

but there is more to a woman
than her breast and thighs
she is created to bear suffering
and carry the weights of the world

but the rainbow gone now
i got no more reasons
and this damn hole is consuming meeh
so i sit here
with my food and drink to say
enough is enuf

theletteridneverwritten

2010-10-12T16:54:00.000-07:00

i used to sit up every morning before i went to the shower and write you a note

something that you would find in the morning on your pillow

if you felt for meeh when you woke

they would always tell you

thank you for the night

if it didnt say anything else

you would know the significance of being held

they would tell you that i would carry your scent with meeh

and that the only thing i would look forward to were your arms

the arms that kept meeh so safe from my nightmares

safe from the darkness id hidden myself in

and the days would pass

some quicker than others

but they all ended the same so the middle of it all didnt matter much

but the words i really wanted to say

i branded on my heart

they were too fragile to commit to paper

and now that you are a 7208 miles away

i think differently

i dream of you holding the letter id never written

reading the words that told you of the night i fell in love with you

hearing my heart beat and the wind whisper

that the continents could not keep us apart

and you would have known that i would have opened my life to you

that i would serve you in every way

and not let a day go by where you had to ask what if

that letter held sacred kisses

and a key to my soul

and a promise that you will never know

i was wrong

never to have let you know

and i will never know again the comfort of your arms

but i still sit up each morning and type up a note

reminiscent of those id leave on your pillow all those years ago

with the click of a button they go the distance

not that they mean anything anymore

but perhaps they will make you smile

as you remember the way we were so in love

makelove

2010-10-12T04:58:00.000-07:00

maybe it is the pressure of knowing the pain of failure the past has brought
but there is nothing about meeh
that wants to spend one moment without you

im captured by the soft touch of your breath against my cheek
and i whisper "lay meeh down"
without so much as a breath leaving my body
you are how i imagined it would be
and i am at your will

touch meeh with your mind
and kiss meeh with your body
and i promise you this
i am not going anywhere

images of your smile flash through my mind
and my world is lit by the light thereof
steadily enveloped in your words
this is the way should have always been

i can give you a special kind of love

undress meeh with the scent of your cologne
and watch meeh surrender it all
willing to give into your fantasies
and you alone are mine

kidnap meeh with your thoughts
and dont study meeh if i shiver
nervous without cause
i know that i am safe in your space
and if i turn back from your gaze
pull meeh back in

my fears will cause meeh to run
dont let them cause you to allow meeh
inside you know my spirit just wants to make love to you

in your assurance, show meeh what love is
and i will learn just what you teach

peanutsontheplane

2010-10-11T04:30:00.000-07:00

and this stranger sat beside meeh with the most captivating smile
it grabbed hold of the corner of my eye but i didnt raise my head
i was otherwise occupied
i smiled and continued texting while i still could
i knew once the plane was ready to take off there would be no more of that
and sure enough there she was

"maam, i am going to need you to turn that off"
i looked up and smiled and did as i was bid

a deep soothing voice says "she sure told you"
we laughed and carried a conversation
at some point my eyes closed
and i dreamed of us dancing the flight away
up and down the aisle with dips and spins
and he held my waist just right
i wanted to melt right there in his arms
and with the last dip

he leaned in

i closed my eyes

"maam, im going to need you to turn off your cellular phone"
i snapped out of it and turned off my phone
i looked beside meeh and there he was
eating peanuts on the plane
i leaned back with a smile
ear buds in

...takeoff...

lunchwithastranger

2010-10-08T19:25:00.000-07:00

a million thoughts were jumbled about

waiting to pass

i placed an order at the corner market

and as i waited i took a seat

always the observer

and i saw there a man

with his eyes fixed so on a beautiful young lady.

she occupied his thoughts and feeling
and she did nothing but flash a smile in his direction
but it was certainly enough
perhaps for the both of them

the sun was out but the chill hadnt left the air
and as my tea finally arrived
i noticed him walk her way

im certain he couldnt tell how hard she was trying to keep her wits about her
it was the funniest scene all day
and of all the people to pass meeh by
they were the ones i was drawn to

though they seem to have spoken few words
their smiles grew bigger and brighter
suddenly my tea was making meeh hot

they took a seat not too far from where i was sitting
i found myself torn between them and the pad my intentions were dedicated to
though my soup had finally arrived
there was no need for it

so i watched the new couple become friends
and it was the best lunch with a stranger id ever had
until the next time.

littlefallofrain

2010-10-08T19:18:00.000-07:00

they said i would live a hundred years in the safety of your arms

and though the world would take my life

it would be for a cause we both shared

and so you would be there with meeh wrapped up in your arms

and in that very moment

a little fall of rain could hardly hurt meeh

i have loved you from a distance far too great for this life

you were not ready for it

that kind of thing is far beyond your years

but it was there waiting for you nevertheless

because it is all i ever knew how to do

the cold is setting in and feel my last breaths leaving my body
but you will not leave meeh now

now i can live in my dreams

where you are waiting for meeh

so hold meeh close

and keep meeh safe

dont hold in your tears

they will help the flowers to grow

tosavemyhand

2010-08-17T06:05:00.001-07:00

of course that is the way it goes. two wrongs never make a right to the one who wronged you. and without ever addressing their own transgressions they blurt out in the middle of an already awkward silence "One day you will have to answer to Him for what you have done to meeh!" Yeah right, we will stand side by side on that line.

@skinnyjeanius' rule number 463 - "only apologize once for the mistakes you have made."

so it dawned on meeh. I have always had a choice and crying my eyes out over someone i wasnt sure was worth meeh was never one of the options. the choice was simple. Give up on him or give up on meeh. my life has taken meeh on a roller coaster ride through the hell fires and back on more than ten occasions and let meeh tell you the way i love myself now. I adore the woman i have become far too much to choose the latter option. so the deal was made and my signature in blood on the dotted line. i became her for a hot minute, but its not who i would remain.

i have always had a high tolerance for pain. time to remember it and hang on it. but when you weigh it all out. what was more painful? only an emotionally mature person could do this one with ease. and i wasnt always that. something about him turned meeh from the strong woman id grown into to the little girl i thought id left behind. and i recognized it a long time ago. and i should have cut it loose then, but i was more afraid of being alone. so i stayed.

im not afraid anymore though. only thing that was tying meeh down was time invested. but truth be told i was ready to lock that bad boy in a box and throw it overboard in the deepest part of the ocean. It would hurt. No matter what I might or might not say, a part of my heart is right there with it. but at this point its a matter of self preservation. time to cut off the thumb to save my hand.

afterthehurricane

2010-08-12T05:13:00.000-07:00

so i have dry mouth. i would love nothing more than to drink a tall refreshing glass of water... WAIT there is one thing... i want ALWAYS to be aligned with the will of God. and so i tarry on.

so i told myself that i dont believe in keeping up with the Jones'. I mean, I dont know them people and could care less for what they got. No one actually lives with them, so who knows what their "real life" is like. So i choose mine, flaws and all. And Lord knows ive got em.

there is a purpose to this. i have hidden myself not just from the world, but from myself. its a painful process, but i want to peel back all these sheets i have hidden under all these years. i want to be exposed - the bare naked meeh. for the first time... in a lifetime.

the thunder only bothers her when she was alone.
nothing ever bothers her until then.
she was forced to see herself then. to deal with herself then. to be with herself
in a crowd of people she could become what she needed to be.
a bougie superwoman as some would say.
i prefer the other version.
the well poised even tempered well mannered young lady.
the way they made em back when women had a place and were content in it.
you see she was strong, well read and well versed.
she shined fine, but never took the spotlight
she was humble. still is.

but alone the superwoman was weak and scared of her own shadow
no one knew who she was not even herself.
and that is the way she wanted it to be.
until she began to suffocate.
the thunder was all around
the lightening bright striking the fear of God in her heart.

the only option she had was to peer from underneath all the sheets to see where the lightening was coming from
then she could take cover.
and it hurt
with every sheet that she tore away the sound of thunder grew louder and louder.
her ears were ringing
but for the first time in a lifetime she pressed on

and after the hurricane she saw the sky
surrounded by strangers
as naked as the day she was born.

smileallthetime

2010-08-11T10:49:00.000-07:00

she whispered words she hoped the wind would carry
she was older but her mind wasnt, so what could you expect.
she smiled all the time - kinda like she was one of those special kids, you know
the ones who dont go to schools like the rest of us go to
but she was a sweet one
we thought she was innocent so we didnt bother her with the woes of the world
like somehow it would ruin her
and she was far too sweet to be ruined

but what did we know
as far as we were concerned - only the special kids smile all the time.

she knew the moment she stopped
the tears would coming flooding
she didnt want to be defined by her pain
life had beaten her ragged
life, and everyone that came into it
but she stood firm

she certainly didnt believe the age old mantra "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger"
but deep down she really wanted to.
some people would rather fantasy than reality
because their reality cant exist even in the imagination of the most wicked of minds

but she had a safety blanket
most of the time she would wrap it around her neck and tie the corners
pretend that she was superwoman
they said her mind was young because she didnt speak too often
and when she did her voice was small
her eyes always lowered a bit
though her head was never tilted in the same direction

she lost everyone she loved
and everyone she wanted to love, well
she whispered words to them in the wind
she believed that some things were better left fantasies.
that way perceptions couldnt be ruined

now she only loved the idea of things and of people
so the reality of who and what they were could never harm her
she was wise beyond her years
she knew exactly what everyone thought of her
but that was beneath her
instead she kept that smile boy
so who would ever know.

she smiled all the time - kinda like she was one of those special kids, you know
the ones who dont go to schools like the rest of us go to
but she was a sweet one
we thought she was innocent so we didnt bother her with the woes of the world
like somehow it would ruin her
and she was far too sweet to be ruined

but what did they know
as far as they were concerned - only the special ones smiled all the time.

imaredbone

2010-08-10T04:59:00.000-07:00

it happened before
i was too young to know alot of things
but old enough to know i'd never be the same
he was the man i looked to for safety
he killed meeh instead
and i would never look to anyone that way again
but it happened again
in a moment of weakness you became the man i looked to for safety
in a strange world im still trying to figure out how i got to
and you killed meeh
again and again

i could still feel the sting of where the back of his hand made contact with my face.
and the black eye i went on the interview with
im a good liar now, thanks to you.
to say sorry you forced meeh to my knees
yes- forced. wanna see the bruises
im a red bone and things like that dont hide at all let alone well.

you waved your manhood like a flag in my face
and were content to make meeh your flag pole.
when i ran you tied meeh up.
when i screamed your fist met my face
and then a pillow

i almost thought id rather be dead.
but what good would i be then.
i endured. i questioned, but i endured.
and i m a stronger woman now
not a bitter woman - though every now and then a memory will flood my entire being
and i hide so no one else can see.

i dont say the things other girls in my shoes say
"ive been hurt so many times blah blah blah"
HA! i was watching Trip the Light Poetic and MAN, did D. Walker hit that one on the HEAD!!!
but it wasnt meeh.
because i didnt want anyone to see.

so i wear these masks - more like tattoos
because i knew after you raped meeh
i would never be the same
but see, no one else needed to know that.

whenicouldntdoit

2010-08-09T10:16:00.000-07:00

trying to figure out when it all came like this.
we said we were committed to it
but when it got hard, only one of us was willing to ride the wave.
the other jumped ship... over and over and over again.
its destructive but only one of us ever cries
only one of us ever died.
we said we were committed to it
but when it got hard only one of us was willing to ride the wave.

i turned into that girl for him. and its funny because i never knew girls like that in real life. ill have to sit and evaluate the past 4 years to figure out the when where why and how of it. but at the end of the story the simple fact is, i turned into that girl for him.

he didnt want the truth, he wanted his truth. and so i gave it to him so that he could sleep better at night. but then i couldnt look at myself in the mirror. so i took it back.

that made me a liar and a whore and all the things id really be if his truth aligned. but word of mouth doesnt matter - and not just my mouth, but the horses mouth. all that matters is the 5 line conversation of incontrovertible evidence he acquired by utilizing a spy program. but that didnt catch it all. or maybe it did. but all he wanted were those 5 lines.

and suddenly the tears fell like a waterfall. i was broken on the inside. i walked away from all my work and all my dignity to cry in a bathroom stall over something that never was. and it hit meeh.

i once asked God to break the bonds that needed to be broken when i couldnt do it. You go first, Lord - Your will be done.

He has never forgotten my request.

ca fait longetemps

2010-06-03T10:28:00.001-07:00

it has been longer than it was ever supposed to be
the distance shows every now and again
when my eyes gaze into a crosswalk
everything in meeh has changed
and who says it isnt all for the better

something i never thought to imagine
and there it all began
that crosswalk over there - ha
cant help but chuckle at the thought
and that one... and those too

the way people believe in unicorns and then they dont
and it was all a dream at first
but you assured meeh i was pleasantly mistaken.
so i didnt sleep because i didnt want to wake up without you
but i was convinced

we lie there talking about the universe and then it went black
when my eyes opened i was afraid
but you
the way you held meeh
i could believe in anything

and the days were hurried
but the nights were slow
and i was grateful
though i didnt know when
i was sure my time was short
and it was

the last time i opened my eyes
you were not there
and i thought id lost it all

though id been avoiding it forever
i made my way to the crosswalk
where i first caught your sight
and there you were again

perhaps you tarried there too long
your back was turned
and you walked away

i didnt have the heart to call out to you
i knew you would be back
i heard you whisper in the wind
and so will i

parce que malgre de temps
et ca fait longetemps
je t'aime encore...

home

2009-12-21T22:53:00.000-08:00

another year behind us

in a week we will sit and laugh at how we are supposed to say it

20 10, 0 10, 10

personally, i like 20 10

09 has been trying

but i grew through the tears

20 10 will be different

i will be different starting today

but the changes wont manifest themselves until the new year has come

and while you were resolved to let meeh spend it alone

at home

in these empty walls

i have made other plans

i will spend it where i belong

with my family

hearing their laughter, their insults

seeing their smiles and struggles

and going through all of it together

just the way we were meant to

moviesofourlove

2009-12-08T21:55:00.000-08:00

some time has passed since i last visited

my thoughts are not all my own

though i have done some cleaning

there is still clutter here and there

im working on all that

but for now i will give you this

there is no sound but the pattering of the rain outside the window

the snow is gone from the trees now

they are cold and alone and as bare as my soul on this night

it never ceases to amaze meeh

how when so much of everything around meeh is changing

nothing really changes at all

every move is predictable

nothing that hasnt been done before

there is no emotion unfelt

we have been down this road

we know just where it will lead

how long it will take to get there

and what will be done once we reach

i have grown so much

and i never thought i would say it

but i have outgrown you - this

at this time of year there will be no picnics

or long strolls through Monet's garden

there will be no stopping to smell the roses

or snapping fotos of the newly discovered love

that has fallen upon the lucky

this is the time of reality

when vulnerabilities are exposed

and we discover if we can truly coexist

we are stripped bare and that bond is tested tried

and if we are lucky in the end

it will prove true

if we are ordinary, it will not

and we will travel that other road

if we will be broken

spring will do it before the first month passes

but for now

this is where we are

naked as the trees outside

with not even the snow to cover our imperfections

and while i love you still

i have never loved myself more

than i do at this very moment

and because of that i leave you where you stand

there will never be another you

my heart will forever whisper your name

and perhaps next winter

when i light the fireplace

the ambers will play the movies of our love

itmustbefall

2009-10-27T09:18:00.000-07:00

she said to meeh once things are dying... it must be fall
the leaves are changing colours just before they fall to the ground
they are in their glory then
bright oranges and reds and yellows
who could see it coming

this is the hardest

i think it was always easier because i didnt have to watch it happen
the way i watch the leaves change
snapping fotographs of the beauty just before the fall
i save the images of the leaves
pressing them into journals alongside flower petals

but i stayed at your bedside
i watched you come back to life
i basqued in that glory
just before you fell

but now i cannot breathe
things are dying now
it must be fall
and how i dread you now

isawmeeh

2009-10-16T17:59:00.000-07:00

there was a look on a little girls face that was all too familiar

i remember the tears that she cried

and wiped them off of my cheek

there was not much i could do to keep my hands from shaking

so i didnt bother to try

the only difference was i wished it could have been meeh

i remember the days of wanting someone to scold meeh

but there was just meeh alone

in the basement of an old building

with beds all lined up in a row

there was not a familiar voice around

just echos in my mind of things i thought i remembered

and just like that she vanished

but just for the moment

looking at her i saw meeh

myseconddedication

2009-10-10T03:33:00.000-07:00

good morning sunshine

i woke up this morning with a different outlook on my days

it has been cold all the way around

my heart has been frigid and my soul empty

the warmth had left my body with your last breath

in my own mind i was dead

and no matter how i searched

there was nothing to keep meeh here nor there

i lost all of my reasons

and in that fell into the deepest hibernation

until this morning

i realized that i have all that i need

this did not have to be the way it ended

i simply had to change the way i looked at things

i used to say that if you cannot change something

change the way you look at it

my whole heart believed it was all about perspective

for some time i complained that i prayed for strength and never recieved it

the truth is my heart was not ready to accept that

i was content in the discontent

i wanted to sit and be weak and mourn

and blame everyone in the world for what i could not myself explain

this life, i am convinced, is not for our understanding

it is for us to do and be the best that we can

we will fall and we will stumble

but that is alright

as long as we take away the lessons we are meant to learn

i told an old friend of mine that he should not worry for the whys of things

i told him that those things didnt matter

as long as he took the lesson to heart

and here i was doing what i always do

giving the good advice

....and taking none of my own

it seemed that those words put him at peace

and on this morning

that is exactly what they do for meeh now

alors..... my second dedication

to the fallen giant... mon ame

for teaching meeh that listening to myself isnt always a bad thing

that the peace others say i bring to them

i can give to myself

thank you for the best days of my life

for reasons far too many to number

to You for keeping your word

when i needed the most

your hand continues to provide

when i was broken

You were there to pick up the pieces

and gave meeh time to move out of my own way so that you could

for giving meeh all that i have asked

even when i didnt realize it

to the earthquake

you split my life in more ways than i thought imaginable

just when i thought i could not be broken anymore

there you were to prove meeh wrong

but you have taught meeh endurance

something that has become the core of who i am

i owe you more than you will know

.......... more than i will ever admit

to my hypnotist

i am still trying to figure it all out

there are times when i think i know exactly who you are

and then the night falls

and i find myself right back where i started

lost and semi immersed in some spell i am sure you have cast on meeh

i am not sure what it is that you give to meeh

but i am well aware of all that you take away

to the mushroom

i am not sure where you came from

but who ever knows where fungus comes from

you are so sweet on my palate

but i am not entirely sure i should have ever tasted you

i can only hope there is no poison

but my instincts tell meeh differently

for now we shall see

there are others

but for now you are pressing heavily on my everything

and to you i give

my second dedication

whatidobest

2009-10-09T17:26:00.001-07:00

i said it all then

without saying a word

i told you that i wanted to fall in love with all that you were

and all that you could be to meeh

i told you that i could be all that you needed and more

but you didnt believe meeh

or you were scared

one or the other

whatever it was....

..... you left

you didnt speak a word

not even with your kiss

but somehow i knew exactly when it all happened

i knew that the last time would be just that

i knew that you didnt know how to do it

you never did

that was one of the things i could never and would never understand about you

the fact that you always left

and you taught meeh to walk after you

never saying how i felt or what i meant

my defense mechanism was to just walk away

not to speak a word

not to look too deeply into your eyes

just to walk away

that way there would be no fight to look back on and regret

there would be no last words to wish were different

it would just be us

and that last glance....

you knew how i wanted to feel

and you knew what i wanted to say

so i didnt think i needed to do any of it

i didnt need to care

or wonder....

maybe that is where i went wrong.

i made myself robotic

i caged who i was in exchange for a colder version of who i never wanted to be

and somehow i justified it all

something i never did

... proffer justifications...

but i knew that it was so wrong i needed to cover it up somehow....

someway....

that was my method of choice

now i sit in the late of the night

trying to figure the whys of it all...

unable to reach a conclusion

i do what i learned to do best

walk...

simplyenjoythevisits

2009-10-08T19:30:00.000-07:00

its funny the way i can find myself seated at the table

in the same chair of the same kitchen in the same house for days

and still be lost

wondering where i am

and how i got there

funny the way such things work

i thought of you today as i was doing some cleaning

there were memories i had locked in a box in the back of the closet

a pretty big box too... labeled "when the time is right"

i forget about that stupid thing all the time

but when the time is right...

there it is...

just where i need it to be

i dont know what it is like to move on from things

my problem is that i never dealt with them in the first place

to move on from them in the next

but how the world turns...

and i saw the end through

i never do that

now i feel like i am forced to deal with it so that i can move on from it

acknowledging this for meeh is more than that

i would have to recognize plenty other departures

and frankly, i am still not ready for that

its the only part of meeh that can deal with fiction.

its the part of meeh that wishes things were the same as they had always been

its the part of meeh that thinks the reason that we have not spoken is because i have been stupid busy

and have been too selfish to make the timesto pick up the fone and make that call.

i think that as long as i can lie to myself in that, i can be alright

the smile that is plastered to my face can remain

and i dont have to explain one bit of myself to another.

but then again there are times when i feel like you are visiting meeh and its nice

in the cold of the night, and all of the nights are cold without your warmth

i enjoy the visit you pay...

bondingwiththenebulizer

2009-10-07T17:02:00.000-07:00

sillie things like this remind meeh of sweeter times

when i'd wipe the condensation from you cheeks

and we'd joke about making it a group thing

you know over tea or something.

in all the pain that surrounded the times

it was better then

because at least i could see and touch your smile

i didnt have to rely on heart breaking memories of it.

they say remember the good times because they will get you through

...i beg to differ...

i have never been in so much pain as i am now.

i mean afterall

why voluntarily stick yourself in a universe of never agains and remember whens

it was better then because "never again" never crossed my mind

and the things i endure now would have never even entered into my imagination.

my eyes well up with tears with each inhalation

reminding meeh of the faces we made because the fumes had such a taste

there was a time when i wouldn't have wished that taste on anyone

but now i wish it on us

because at least then i could touch your hand and remind you that though they are the longest twelve minutes of our lives

they are yet twelve minutes alone

where are you now

i would give anything to touch your face and see you just one more time

but the last time was the hardest thing i have ever had to do

i lied when i said you can take my yesterday

...i need them...

as painful as they may be

only death can compare to being without you

je veux garder mes souvenirs parce que tu ne serais jamais a mere shadow of a thought

....or a remnant of what used to be

i dont say i love you

because you should already know

but perhaps i should have said it far more after

perhaps then you would have stayed a little while longer

to feel just a little more

and to fall a little bit harder

my life stopped for you

and stops again without you

not so sure what it is all for

but i miss you

i can say that much

i need you...

but i can learn strength

im cold without you...

but i can find some semblance of warmth

but i will never learn to breathe again

my soul rests with you

may they both rest in peace

yesterday

2009-10-05T16:00:00.000-07:00

there is a song called yesterday after a ms lewis

on this day it brings meeh to a place i never thought i would be

a place i never wanted to revisit...

but here i am.......

i do not believe in regrets

all of life's experiences make you who you are today

but on this day i am not proud of the woman i see looking back at meeh through the mirror.

she is not strong nor is she sure

but she hears those words over and over again

waling on how they cannot take away our yesterdays

but they are gone from meeh now

so what...

perhaps we spent so much time lying to ourselves

thinking that what we had was so wonderful that the memories will live forever

but they are so painful that no one wants to think on them

they proffer a slow and painful death

and only the masochistic endure it for fun.

i was strong enough for it once.

but since yesterday.... that strength is gone from meeh

so yes, they can take tomorrow and the plans we made

and they can take the music that we'll never play

all the broken dreams take everything

they can take them away....

but indeed, they can take our yesterday

because only then will the rivers that flow from my ducts cease

and only then will the breath return to my body

i want to become whole again

so leave meeh yesterday

take the kisses we shared

and take the slow gentle caresses

take away from meeh the memories of your fingers tracing my body

take that yesterday from meeh

i dont want to know you

but because of what we've shared

my life is dead without you

take my yesterdays

take the future that we will never know

and take from the meeh places that we will never go

i only want my yesterdays to leave meeh

because loving you and losing you

has only made meeh weak

mygifttoyour&r

2009-08-27T21:50:00.000-07:00

as you pulled off i wanted to utter goodbye

but my lungs find themselves dependant on you

and the only words i could get out were

...come back...

kiss meeh one more time before i die

to feel your touch just once more

id pull down the stars

and put them in a jar

so when those times find you where the night has escaped you

the stars will be within your reach

and when the skies are dark

and the clouds are plenty

they may yet shine through

and illuminate your nights

inebriatedramblings

2009-08-21T20:52:00.000-07:00

perhaps i did have one too many bottles of Riesling that night

but it soothed my nerves

and my soul was no longer shaking

i saw clearer than i had since that first day

and my thoughts were just as clairvoyant

this is one of those times when i could say all i had tucked away in the back of my mind

and i didnt have to worry about the consequences until the moon clocks out

but i dont mind

i wont use the sillie girl excuse that i had no idea what i was doing

i dont believe inebriation causes a temporary disarmament of inhibitions

rather a surge in heart and courage

to do say and be the real you

i know exactly what i am doing

i am the real meeh all the time

but there is something that weakens meeh

matters of the heart

that night i would put all of my fears inside of that glass

and thin them out with the clearest Riesling I had

i would swirl them about and sip them slowly

and the closer i get to the bottom of the glass

the bolder i will grow

and if the first glass proves not enough

there was more

with two bottles down and bearing down on the third

i would begin

perhaps saying the first thing that comes to mind all the time is a defense mechanism

perhaps if i say it all i will make myself less vulnerable

but my heart is different

i dont have the best of luck when it comes to her

she has been battered and broken and number of times

i made up in my mind that after the last stint

i was done

i wanted her to heal and then focus on repairing the damage

there would be no other time

there would be no more giving it away or leasing it out to the undeserving

i was smarter now

the only person i wanted to trust her with from this point and on

was meeh

so where did you come from and why

why cant i just frolic in the wheat fields and fall in love with the stars

our affair would have been perfect

but you come from nowhere and im skipping beats

my breathing is scattered and my heart is trying to leap from my chest

and for what

i told you once that you were going to ruin meeh

i think you laughed it off and said that you would do no such thing

but i was right... again

and you... you never stood a chance

i also said that i didnt want to fall in love with you

you laughed at that as well and said good luck

this time you were right...

and it was i who never stood a chance.

how the joke was on meeh

we did everything fast

but it was all so natural

we didnt force a glance or a conversation

not a kiss and not a touch

the first time we made love was the moment that took meeh over the edge

and you became the difference between where i am and where i want to be

3amthoughts

2009-08-13T04:13:00.000-07:00

i didnt know what to say

she told meeh the story of her life

and the only part if it that caught meeh

was the fact that she had never been tucked in to bed

its a shame when we allow the pains of our past to rot out our present

it ruins any chance of a future any different from the past we are trying to escape from

but when will we learn that tale

she didnt trust men

they had abused her all of her life

a sad, but common factor in the lives of young black women today

she grew up feeling like she had to prove herself to herself

in order to be accepted by a world that didnt acknowledge her in the first place

they grow up so misguided now

and all i wanted to do was hold her

she fell in love with a fool and played herself

so she could prove to someone that love can work

who is to say her conjecture was wrong

but her premis was certainly flawed

he was a decade older than her

makes sense

there was no father in her life

she didnt know the first thing about a man

a lesson her mother should have taught her

instead she got an earful that went something to the effect of

"you always acting like your no good daddy"

i always hate to hear that

in my mind i think it couldnt have always been so bad

you loved him enough to give him a child

he just didnt love you enough to stick around

or maybe he just didnt know how

there was no man in his life either

it wasnt long before she was pregnant

i couldnt help but wonder if that was her plan all along

but she could barely take care of it

she couldnt take care of herself

but she wasnt about to give it up

she was going to have the family she had always wanted

she got her GED and went to one of those TV schools for nursing

she worked at White Castle flipping burgers and Kohls folding clothes

it was her method of supporting her child

who would have guessed the old man didnt stick around with her

all of her accomplishments were followed by the same

"its even harder because his no good daddy just up and left"

and the cycle continued

she would never again trust a man

and all she did was foster a resentment by her son towards her

she didnt even know it

i was saddened to know that she had never known the honesty behind a kiss to the forehead

she wouldnt even entertain the possibility at this point

and she had never known to intimacy in being tucked into bed at night

my mother always said to meeh:

"you have two options with situations like this. you can either become the thing you hate or you can be the opposite."

i think i made the right choice

my forehead is my favorite place to be kissed

and there are very few nights that escape meeh

when i am not tucked in to bed.

gonefrommeeh

2009-08-03T22:14:00.000-07:00

my midsummer nights dream is that you would be a little closer

i want to be able to feel your breath fall on my cheek

i no longer want to imagine and write

i want to say what i feel

what i am feeling

and what i cannot wait to feel again

but you are gone from meeh now

and all i have left to hold on to

are these midsummer nights dreams

of the time when you kissed meeh first

and the remnants of which were bruised on to my body

i was frantic as i search for a way for it not to show

im too to myself and this would blow meeh

but when i lie down at night as bare as the day i was brought into this world

i touch all the different parts of my body

and remember the way it felt when they were your hands

doing all the exploring

my long distance love

it only hurts because i cared too soon

too fast

for far too much

i only slept because they were your arms that held meeh

and now i am left with these midsummer nights dreams

dreams of laughter now drowned with silence

dreams of smiles clouded by the tears

and even now sleep eludes meeh

and soon these dreams will be nothing more than a faint memory

of what used to be

the summer will fade

and we will be left in the nakedness of winter

you will be gone from meeh

as though you never existed

and i will not try to remember you

the pain will be too great

for now i hold fast to these dreams

but i will not shed a tear once they are gone from meeh

myfirstdedication

2009-07-26T05:04:00.000-07:00

there i was in the most serene of places

i was surrounded by nothing but nature and the beautiful side of people

and for a change, i could breathe.

to the boy who called himself a man...

thank you for showing meeh the difference

because of you, i know how to take care of myself

for so long i hated you for beating not just meeh, but my soul

but truth be told, you made meeh stronger

to the daffodil who flails in the wind

it is not your fault

and i apologize to you for making you feel like it was all those years

it was hard for you but i didnt want to see past the pain it caused meeh

because of you my vision is sharper and my judgment, not so much

to the conniving wizard of the roundtable

you played meeh well, and i thank you

you showed meeh my limits and how worthless spoken words really are

and how wonderful a first love could be

though i must admit, at times i wish it was more than that

to the chimeric mistress

at times i am so confused

you have instilled in meeh a fear so great

but i am grateful, as i know now to pray hard

to you, my monster in the closet

no one has had a greater impact on my life than you

though i think ill never be able to include you in another step of it

whether you know it or not, you influence every decision i make

for the bad or good of it

and as much as i would like to never think on your existence

i do - at every chance i get

you are the biggest part of meeh

thank you for forcing meeh to become a woman

perhaps i would have liked more time

but i would do nothing differently

i love the woman i have become

to my id

you drive meeh crazy

i feel so back and forth with you

the very thing that drew meeh so close pushes meeh so far

you are nothing i need but occassionally all that i want

you help meeh to understand my self destructive side

and i could not be more grateful

without that understanding im sure id never be happy

to my dream catcher

i lay beside you night after night

and the things i thought i knew i dont

but thats fine

at times i am overwhelmed by this decision

but i get lost in your eyes

and its all worth it again

there are many more but the words allude meeh

for you, however, you will be my first dedication

angelinthecrosswalk

2009-07-26T05:03:00.001-07:00

I was empty, my soul almost completely consumed by the darkness that ever loomed

I was absent in the day and in the night…

I was actually afraid to sleep.

I think my mind was so far gone that I thought if I slept a night, I would never wake up

There were so many things that I still wanted to see

Sleep was not an option.

I would not allow my life to end there, come now.

I found, each night, a method to occupy the hours

And on the particular night, the method was you.

I saw you there, in the crosswalk

It was entirely too late for any soul to be out there

And truth be told, im not entirely sure you quite knew what you were doing out there either

Perhaps you were searching for meeh

Nah, that just sounds too creepy.

But you were there. It was just us.

We spoke of random nothingness, which was cool

I mean what else is there at such ungodly hours

Like all my affairs, this too had to end with to coming of the sun

It was my curfew, but you promised to meet meeh the same time on the next evening

Pardon meeh for a moment, I am searching for a word…..

He said it, Maxwell I mean, you are the only thing that makes meeh wanna come out of these walls.

And its true.

The day came and I was different, anxious I suppose

The night could not come fast enough

I rushed out and there you were

My angel in the crosswalk

I had been saving my words the whole day long

That might speak them to none other than you

You were where I wanted to be.

Scary – I only admitted that just now.

Speak this to no one, and ill digress.

Many nights followed this way.

I was not so empty when the sun came for its daily visitation requirements.

There was a fire inside of meeh, and it burned for the night

It burned for you, you know.

Before long, I no longer had to go out to the crosswalk where you were that very first night

You came to meeh

We talked to hours away and the sun grew jealous

but that was of no importance because we were together

and I slept that night for the first time in ages

and you were not far

when I opened my eyes then

your smile greeted meeh

thatimightloveyou

2009-07-21T08:26:00.000-07:00

make love to meeh the way lovers do

the first time they look into each others eyes

and decide the game is no longer worth playing

it is time to surrender

kiss meeh like i was the only one in the world

like you were born to give this love

and i was born to receive it from you

and only you

speak the words you've spent your days conjuring

and committing solely to paper

papyrus aside

i am here now

let meeh bathe in this love that has consumed meeh

i have stripped myself naked

and tossed the fear laden garments to the wayside

i am yours

let us leave the lights on that nothing be hidden

i want to feel every part of you

especially those that would be hidden by the dark

the clouds will be our blanket and your kisses a map

i want to trace your body with my kisses

so ill know always where home is

let meeh run into you

that i might love you the way i have only dreamed

loveyouright

2009-07-20T20:57:00.000-07:00

i met my angel on the other side of the crosswalk

it was all a bit unexpected

and in almost no time my life was laid there in his hands.

there were to be many moments between us

ones that would be critical

and others yet to be shared.

we never spoke of time limits

forevers and things like that

i suppose i assumed the end did not exist.

there is something to be said for those who assume, knowing the consequences

but i had always been a risk taker

and right now i stand bare naked and open.

i thought i knew just what i needed to know

you were all i wanted, needed

and i was going to give my all to that.

i put down my charts and organized not a thing

and let the universe take its course without my misdirection

and it was beautiful that way.

short lived, but how was i to ever see that coming

i had a lot of pride

pride that i could put aside in some instances, but had difficulties where it mattered.

sure you can fetch my medicine

but my battles are mine to fight

and the regrets began

if i could do it all over

i would have handed it all over to you first

before i took a crack at it before i shed a new tear.

i would have evaluated the people who surrounded meeh

and known better from the start

i would have been all there was.

i thought i already was

funny the way things look on this side of the glass

i love you

i was a coward not to say it to your face

but i loved you then

and i love you now

and maybe in the future

when the past decides to repeat itself

we can have this again

and i will love you right

ihadnoclue

2009-07-17T08:51:00.000-07:00

we probably had no business lying together the way we did

between the two of us there were far too many feelings

both expressed and not

but something pushed meeh to reach in for a kiss

i fought it as hard as i could

or hard enough to trick myself into believing that i wanted to fight it

whatever the case was

i barely caught your lip and an intense heat ran through meeh

i didnt know what i was hoping for

but i knew what i didnt want to happen

so i simply prayed, "please dont ask meeh any questions"

we ate our pizza the same

and took the same amount of sugars in our tea

you liked milk in your hot cocoa

and i water

we were perfect, this was perfect

this moment could be perfect

please dont ask meeh any questions.

and you didnt

you looked at meeh with those eyes

i always did get lost in them, huh

you leaned in

i closed my eyes

and surrendered

i had no clue until the first time your lips made love to mine

warmestregards

2009-07-14T14:08:00.001-07:00

preface:

i have been afraid

afraid to open my eyes and see another go

afraid to open myself and lose that too

afraid to live because i dont know how it will all end

you take that away from meeh

we didnt pace ourselves and i think that is what kept us alive

tradition went out the window

and not the stuff our parents made their attempts at instilling

but things we conjured up on our own based on the lives we've led thus far

we were something else

no name no title no descriptions

yeah, im sure that is what kept us alive

i thought long and hard and decided the best thing was to stop

to stop planning and stop thinking

to stop trying to fit everything into these preconceived outlines

to stop hindering myself with superficial barriers

and do something for the books

and i did

i got up on that plane and looked out the door

this is where i would jump

i would give in to my worst fear to achieve the one goal i really have in life

to live

i stepped out on to the clouds

and let them transport meeh right to where you were

and as i was falling all i could think of was your smile

and the kiss that awaited meeh down on the ground

and i wanted it to go faster

dear you,

i am not afraid anymore. i dont put on gloves to hold the pole in the metro. i just do. i pluck the rose before inspecting the stem. if a thorn catches meeh i will wipe the blood and pluck another. you taught meeh that its okei to be careful as long as its not debilitating. you taught meeh that some things remain and while every moment is fleeting, i shouldnt simply watch it go. because of you i will run freely, and if i fall and it hurts then ill get back up and run some more. i wont be bitter and i wont shut down. because of you, i will live.

warmest regards

allthistime

2009-07-13T16:45:00.000-07:00

each day i walk past the same yard
overgrown with weeds and mess
i swear there are tics, snakes and even a gila monster lurking around in there
and quite frankly my feet are too precious to walk through
but this time it was different.

i rolled up my pants and sprayed my legs with OFF
my eyesight is different, but im not trying to welcome lyme disease
armed with ink and dip pens, sketch pad and pastels, a camera and a blanket
i must have lost my mind
this was not meeh
but i have not been meeh in a few days now.

i knew exactly what i wanted and where to find it
or i thought i did, yeah thats what it was.

there was a lady bug crawling on one of the blades of grass
i was shocked, didnt realize there was grass there
i see everything differently now
i picked it up and put it on my arm
and it crawled in and out of the hairs
like it had its very own playground
and i wanted to be just that.

it was a different world with vegetation id seen nowhere else
not in my well groomed parks
with the right plants in the right place
only because i refused to see other possibilities
i liked this place
i liked where it took meeh
and i loved what it did to meeh.

this place was everything i never wanted
everything i refused to associate myself with
and somehow everything that made meeh happy
it reminded meeh of how i used to feel before life weighed in
it was like a sanctuary, controlled chaos with beauty everywhere

and just like that, it hit meeh
i thought i knew it all but only looked through one window
and all at once all i thought i wanted was erased
and i just wanted to be here.
show meeh, ladybug, what a fool ive been all this time.

thesamethingtomorrow

2009-07-10T22:44:00.000-07:00

there in the park i found my youth in an excerpt

that read something like im real, take it or leave it.

my first instinct was to leave it

and so i did

somehow, though, it found meeh.

the squirrels were chasing each other around the tree

up the branches

disappearing behind the foliage

the smell of morning dew was still on the grass

but i laid my blanket down

so i wasnt worried about getting wet.

i fell in love with what i saw

and only hoped the feeling was mutual

so that the breeze would never end

the wind and I had an understanding

the silhouette of a man and woman dancing in the distance caught my eye

they laughed like teenagers finding love for the first time

it seemed like the nights and days were passing

but they never left the park

two and a half children playing in the not too far distance

made meeh think of a future i could have given up on

a tear made its way out

and all i wanted was to shake their parents hand

they seemed well groomed and good natured

it was a plus that they had manners to match.

for a while i watched the sun play peek a boo with the clouds

and all i could think of was "what took so long"

no answer came to mind

so i simply enjoyed the chase of squirrels

the innocent intrigue if children

and the hopeless romance of their father and mother

the sun decided to give way to the moon

or was it the moon for the sun

either way i will make it back to stable ground

and hope to see the same thing tomorrow

nooneknewthedifference

2009-07-06T14:53:00.000-07:00

It was the bruised child within who believed she could find love anywhere that she went

She was a beautiful girl far beyond her years

Both mentally, and physically

It was quite the plan despite its being destructive

What man would resist her large supple breasts

And grown woman ass

Her waist was small

And her attention span short

She only wanted part time love

Nothing she could feel anywhere other than between her legs.

It was quite the plan despite its being destructive

But it satisfied her temporary desires.

She was but a child and had not the slightest idea of what real love took

She loved the look on a mans face as he orgasmed

The way he would hold her tight til he got it all out

Or the way he would stroke her hair while she sucked the life out of his dick

She was selling herself short

If only she knew the worth of what she was giving away

The meaning was taken from her as a child

Love was but a word and sex had all the feeling

She was on cloud nine when she climaxed

And she only said “I love you” when she was done

She was discreet so she wasn’t labeled a trick

She was good at what she did and only gave it to those worthy of her black book

And when she got bored on Tuesday nights she would make the call

That love was guaranteed – she was too good to say no to

They came running, no hesitation

As she grew in age she remained that trapped little girl

Careful enough to never make one of her own

She didn’t know how to raise a woman

She knew what she was

She didn’t know how to raise a man

She knew what they did to her

She was just lost and no one knew the difference.

fromthebottomup

2009-06-28T08:54:00.000-07:00

There is now a certain level of resentment I hold for you

It was inevitable, please

Do not be alarmed.

Even your scent brings forward such disdain

As the revolution had for the incumbent

The coup was staged

And won.

If only was I privy to their arsenal

Rouge en colère

It would have helped meeh then

It could aide meeh now.

And now I sit and wonder where I have wandered off to

This setting is far from familiar

I would like to run

But have not the slightest idea as to where this road begins

Or even ends.

Here, the sun rises in the south

And sets in the north.

There is no east and west

The wind blows from the bottom up

And we walk on clouds.

The lightening begins in the sky

And the rain soaks through my underwear

My outer garments dry

The wind doesn’t blow up here.

The macadam hails

And the lucky have sense knocked into them

I should have known

The day I met you I cried.

My fault, I avoided the hail storm.

thenightidied

2009-06-26T08:27:00.000-07:00

i never made it to my sixth birthday

i was too young and wish my memories could be erased

then i would feel differently

perhaps

these things were supposed to be special

to be sacred

and you took them from meeh

you who were supposed to be my protectorate

you were all i ever needed

and are everything i have ever hated

what did you see so

why did you look for it in meeh

it was a party for you

you invited onlookers

others to participate in the twisted festivities

like i was a carnival ride

do you know what you did to meeh

at times i wonder what you thought when you saw the blood

did it make it more exciting for you

how did you feel

i was your own flesh and blood

did you enjoy it

you murderer

you killed my spirit

how does it feel to see the walking dead

do i haunt you

the way you haunted meeh for years

there will be no tear shed for you

you will know how it feels

to have noone give a wink or a mention

for it to mean absolutely nothing

just the way it was for meeh

the night i died

everydayitrains

2009-06-18T19:50:00.000-07:00

i remember where i was when i found out

the night before had been a rough one

i found out that i was having a child

i was too confused and stupid excited

this disgusting grin plastered on my face

i mean that they way we do in VI you know

it was another one of those sleepless night

i knew my grandfather would be elated

just how and when to tell him

and my boyfriend for that matter.

i was still in grad school

there was much to figure out

i decided to sleep in the back of my explorer

it was surprisingly comfortable

and quiet

it is where i spent many a night

out in the driveway

there must have been four separate journals with meeh

bubbis was with meeh - he was my comfort.

suddenly it was 3am

and there was this incessant knocking

and i couldnt figure out from where

i looked up and it was my haff

her bedroom window overlooks the driveway

and she had taken to knocking on her window

to grab my attention, when i slept outside

shes gone.

that was when it started raining.

i took over a month off of work

planning a funeral wasnt on my list

all of my joy disappeared and i found myself falling

my greatest fear

she was the rock of the family

i was boulder in training

but i still needed her

i was far from ready

who would be my rock

i dont do funerals

and saying goodbye to her was the hardest thing i ever did

until i said goodbye to my child.

the doctor said it was the stress

i think maybe it wanted to keep my grandmother company

i lost most of meeh

and it has rained every day since

outofcontrol

2009-06-17T16:06:00.000-07:00

I had it all planned out

I call and you come

We take care of business

It was supposed to be simple

My way of retaining control

No emotions involved

You provide for meeh a service

A win-win situation

I thought I had it all under control

Because it was never about you

I never thought of you

I assumed you did it for the pleasure

What man wouldn’t?

After all, I knew I was good at what I did

For him, apparently, its wasn’t so simple

When you share certain parts of yourself

A connection is inevitable

This isn’t what I wanted

Suddenly he does not take my calls

Frustration long set in

I go for a long walk in my secret place

I swear I have never seen a soul there before

Spinning in circles

Taking in the fresh air

My personal liberator

I go toward the brook

At times I think it talks to meeh

I tell it my fears it is my best friend

As I sit on my rock I notice there is a person at the other end

I am not social and I don’t care

No introductions

Maybe I’ll even leave, this is awkward

It’s him

He approaches meeh

My first thought is to find out why the hell he is not taking my calls

Got meeh sitting here with all this pent up aggression

And he is sitting at MY damn brook

Nerve

Instead I simply say hi

He offers no response

Instead he takes hold of me and runs his fingers through my hair

Part of meeh wanted to pull away

Most of meeh did.

This is not what I wanted

Do not rob meeh of this

These are not my terms

This is not my home

We are not in my bed

I did not recognize this

But how my body melted

There was no composure

No holding it together

We made love for the first time

And he whispered in my ear

Just let meeh love you

I have resented him ever since

memoriesofus

2009-06-17T14:29:00.000-07:00

It was so unexpected and has impacted every moment since then

I still smell your cologne.

Flashbacks of that night pass each time I blink

Every kiss and every touch

How did I let this happen?

I cannot wash you off of meeh

A feeling comes across my entire body when I think of it

It is as though you are still inside of meeh

Biting my lip as I see my nails run down your back

I feel the kisses you used to trace my neck

Exhale

I can taste your finger in my mouth

And feel your breath against my shoulder

Where the sensation begins

My hands pinned against a wall

The feeling moves lower

I shouldn’t, I know

But my mind and my body refuse to communicate

As though my mind is setting meeh up

Sweet scents in the air

My senses aroused

My inhibitions nonexistent

nightslikethese

2009-06-16T20:49:00.000-07:00

we would laugh at the fact the neither of us was prepared for this weather.

my coat would be the heavier one with the fur on the hood.

you'd too cute for that

you will wear a heavy, yet inadequate leather jacket.

you pull out of your pocket what seemed to be a ridiculous ball of lint.

turns out to be a hat

and yes, you would look fresh off of the boat.

it is so cute.

your g status begins to wear after a short time and you shiver

i'd take my oversized scarf and lasso you in

tie you up well.

my hood was sufficient.

but it wouldnt matter

the moment would be ours

and that will be all that matters.

and we would snap fotographs and store them away

for nights like these

when i desperately seek a memory to hold on to

restinpeace

2009-06-15T20:52:00.000-07:00

the truth is i would have never made it to school had it not been for you.

that stupid test. the only thing i couldnt do too well was tie my shoes.

i was nervous and you saw that.

what took my mother weeks took you seconds

and there i was, tying my shoe like a pro.

and i made it into kindergarten.

we were always inseparable

it would be funny to see us today

maybe easier

perhaps i would be different

thus making that thought unimaginable

hmm..

oh and remember danie? that girl was something else

we were so different and and yet so the same when we got to the middle

it was hard there on the hill that night near mountaintop

we were all born before our time

and you

the stars have never been so bright as they were that night

i guess it was a map

so i could burn the image into every thought

and never forget

i remembered the words you said to meeh

but when i felt your breath i was so lost

and nothing could lead meeh back

but i had to be there for her

and i was

im glad i was

but the one time i was late

was the only time that mattered

and i lost you both too soon

and too close together

and all the ways i need you now

i cant even begin to say

so now i live in the stars

just like you told meeh

when i need you

its where i go

and though i find it near impossible to live with it

i want you two to rest in peace

theothersideofthemoon

2009-06-15T09:14:00.000-07:00

it was a hard one.

she did the talking and never the action.

her mechanism

longing to enjoy the things everyone else did

she built herself up in a fantasy world.

distance was her best friend

.it was her enabler.

.until him.

holding hands

laughing

sharing

for him, everything

for her, a fantasy life.

and he kissed her.

she lost control and could not be contained.

she started on a rampage of how he took advantage

.i thought you were different.

and why are men all the same

.i thought you were different.

and he was

so she gave in

she was molested and raped.

exiled herself to the other side of the moon

where the darkness could hide her

and she could be free

so she talks fast and acts slower and does everything from a distance.

she keeps volumes of her life that no eye has been worthy enough to see.

she does not exist

but on the other side

if you would like

.join meeh.

myswimminglessons

2009-06-15T06:22:00.000-07:00

it had been a long but interesting encounter.

not sure why existentialism envelopes meeh the way it does.

but it saved meeh.

people spends their entire existence trying to find the meaning.

but i sat alone. in my own bubble.

rereading books that

i could tell you nothing of what went on around me.

i was always like this.

"why is it always after war that a man converts?"

it disrupted my thoughts.

i lifted my head to see where the voice came from

and there he was.

he excused himself, for some reason he was under the impression that i knew he was there.

i just looked at him.

"what are you talking about"

camus went to paris to join La Resistance during the time of Nazi Germany

he came back a different man.

just as viktor frankl came back from the concentration camps another man.

just as i...

we sipped on tea.

the smell of coffee triggers the gag effect and .well.

talked about nothing too important.

he wanted to know everything about meeh and i cant have that

trust issues perhaps.

but i just dont believe in putting yourself all out there.

he says "do you swim?"

i am from an island and heat is not my friend.

i dont swim, i dont even don the bathing suit!

he says, "there is a reason some dont want to be looked at."

".touched."

".seen."

he reached for my hand, and i pulled back.

he said, "i dont want to know all that, i just want to teach you to swim."

a smile flashed across my face.

while camus asserts, as do other existentialists, that there is no intrinsic rationale or moral meaning in human existence, he also believes that within each of us is the innate capacity for good.

we simply dont all reach our potential.

by the way, tomorrow is my first lesson.

mymidnightlove

2009-06-15T01:50:00.000-07:00

i needed you when the clapping of thunder raped me repeatedly.

when the lightening struck twice where i sat, and i was frozen.

i didnt need you when the world was keeping tabs on how many doors you opened for meeh

i needed you when the lights were out and there was noone present but my naked soul.

i let you in. revealed my deepest fears to you.

you listened long enough to know what they were

but not enough to know why.

but you know meeh so well?

my mind wanders when you speak to meeh.

i melt at the thought of his last words.

the affair begins again.

he knows my thoughts before i think them

and i his

he is a stranger whose words i read one midnight hour when you weren't there.

and since i can count on your absence chaque minuit

.je l'attends.

myonenightstand

2009-06-14T18:19:00.000-07:00

strange the way my heart flutters. but im good

i can never control the expressions on my face except in times like these.

maybe because its the first time.

we have been talking for hours accents and the wheatfield of my youth.

as we laugh your hand touches my thigh.

i think about all the arguments waiting for meeh at home

and the passion thats faded

and i want to escape mais

quel est un homme sil nest pas fidele.

we speak of children and if we can even call them that these days.

these little ones are a special breed with special vulnerabilites.

they live a different life.

and yet you come closer.

all i can think to myself is

i dont remember the last time feeling like this. and i am enjoying every bit of it.

but come morning, we must never speak of this night again.